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North Korean Overture to MexicoFacebooktwittergoogle_pluslinkedinmail

Deep in a bunker somewhere in North Korea, Kim Jong Un points to a huge wall map of the world and, aided by his finest Spanish-speaking tutor, says, “President Fox, I feel for the righteous Mexican people who’ve so long been degraded by the American colossus to the north. Your strategic position and indeed your dignity are now particularly endangered by the madman currently occupying the White House. Let’s be frank: Donald Trump hates people of color, especially North Koreans and Mexicans.”

“There’s no doubt Trump is a racist,” says Vicente Fox. “In Mexico we despise him and will never pay for his fucking wall.”

“You’re quite brave to stand up to this bully. But do you want to forever live under his sword?”

“I don’t think we have a choice, President Kim. Geography has dealt us a bad hand.”

“We’re also suffering from geographic bad lack, and daily face the menace of our belligerent and estranged Korean brothers to the south as well as their nuclear-armed American occupiers.”

“At least in Mexico we’re safe from an American military attack.”

“Don’t take that for granted, President Fox. Once their economy collapses, the imperialists are certain to invade south and steal your oil and other natural resources. Like drunken cowboys, they’ll probably also run off with many of your women.”

“I wouldn’t put it past Trump. But even if I were still president of Mexico, what could I do?”

“We could work together. I have a plan.”

“What is it?”

“You must first stage a coup d’état and establish yourself as the Dear Leader of Mexico.”

“I’d certainly be better for our people than smooth-talking shrimp Enrique Peña Nieto.”

“I realize you’re six-foot-five, the size of an NBA shooting guard, but insist you not demean the stature of anyone who, like me, is a quick and muscular five-seven.”

“Agreed. Now, what do you really have in mind?”

“Once you’ve established control in Mexico, you need to build a powerful nuclear deterrent. I assure you, the United States will never attack once you’ve targeted ten or twenty of its cities.”

“That’s a marvelous idea, President Kim. I concede I hadn’t been ambitious enough to even consider it.”

“My creativity is fired by desperate need. First, we had to build a devastating conventional force to deter the Americans and South Koreans from attacking us. Now we’ve got nuclear weapons ready to use in this region, and will soon have essential ICBMs capable of destroying Seattle, San Francisco, and Los Angeles.”

“I really could never endorse such attacks, President Kim.”

“Of course not. I’m not building nuclear weapons to use them. Only an unstable and self-deluded man would do so. What I propose is simply this. You and the Mexican people move to South Korea, where our friendship and nuclear might would ensure generations of peace and harmony.”

“My status and my height give me great influence, but I don’t think I could convince the Mexican people to give up their homes and their culture and move to South Korea. And I doubt South Koreans would accept a hundred million refugees.”

“What I envision, President Fox, is a straightforward trade. The South Koreans would at the same time move to Mexico where they’d be close to their American ally, and they too would live peacefully.”

“If such a switch can be made, I agree that South Korea would flourish south of the Rio Grande. But I’m a little worried about how we Mexicans would feel living south of your country.”

Kim Jong Un, smiling big in a fat face, says, “Don’t worry, President Fox. Our peoples will merge, something I’d never permit with the South Koreans, and we’ll form a rich and happy nation.”

“A democratic nation?”

“We can hardly permit so many Mexicans to vote me out of office. Given my dynastic experience in Korea, I’d naturally be commander in chief.”

“In that case, President Kim, I must decline.”

“Very well, sir, but be forewarned that my fourth and fifth ICBMs could target Mexico City and Guadalajara.”

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This entry was posted in Donald Trump, Kim Jong-Un, Korea, Mexico, Nuclear Weapons, Vicente Fox.