You Americans are planning to attack me. You’re always attacking someone. Look at Iraq and Afghanistan and Libya and Syria and Cuba and Panama and Vietnam. Cry when you look at Vietnam and remember it when scheming against our North Korean homeland. No one believes your lie we invaded the imperialists in the south in 1950. They attacked us and we battered them until you intervened and tried to shove us over the Yalu River into China but our Chinese comrades stormed across the river and routed you and forced a massive retreat eventually compelling you to accept another uneasy peace, let’s call it a fragile ceasefire, still festering on both sides of the thirty-eighth parallel in the Demilitarized Zone.
I’m warning you. I’m ready to hurl nuclear thunderbolts and other military disasters upon South Korea and Japan and even the United States. That’s what I’ll do if you and your traitorous allies ever attack my nuclear facilities. I may even strike if the enemy shoots down one of my test missiles. In fact, if I conclude cyber-attacks are destroying some of my missiles soon after launch, I may retaliate.
You’re terrified of my military power, and twenty-four million programmed North Koreans know it. We have more than a million soldiers, counting quite a few women, and we’ll attack with everyone in the country. I’ll personally lead the charge. I’m not afraid. We have thousands of artillery pieces and a thousand short- and medium-range missiles and several hundred warplanes, and you’re terrified of all that and more. So are the South Koreans, whose capital Seoul and its twenty-five millions depraved souls are only thirty-five miles from my strategic high-ground bristling with artillery and rockets whose fatal assaults would open gates for an invasion and quick victory and reunification of a free and prosperous Korea led by me, Kim Jong-Un, who is as godlike as my grandfather and father sleeping but still poised while daily viewed under glass by the adoring masses.
We don’t care South Korea has twice as many people and a hundred times more money. We’re not afraid of cars and TVs and iphones and movies and sports and fancy food. We don’t fear American or South Korean troops and their newer tanks and artillery and missiles and missile defense systems and warplanes. You’re fighting for consumer goods. We’re struggling for something more important, the salvation of my regime and the worldly survival of my sacred ass.
You Americans better quit lying that we’re one of the poorest nations on earth and half my people live in extreme poverty. All North Korean citizens are well-fed, not just our soldiers. Don’t try to weaken our souls. Quit trying to force China to quit buying our coal and subsidizing most of our oil. We’re getting angrier every day. Soon we’ll have better missiles and a hundred nuclear warheads. Then what are you going to do?