Far too busy to be troubled by an inconvenient personal meeting, President Donald Trump, entertaining swells at Mar-a-Lago, and President Kim Jong Un, salivating as soldiers and missiles pass before him in Pyongyang, take a break to offer a little TV time for Battle of the Big Shots.
President Xi Jinping, the referee, prepares to flip a coin in Beijing to determine who will speak first.
“Put that away,” Trump says. “I’ll start. President Kim, if you test an underground nuclear bomb or fire any more missiles, there will be consequences. One of my naval strike forces is steaming toward you now, and they’ve got plenty of Tomahawk cruise missiles with your name on them.”
“If you attack us, we’ll counterstrike with unimaginable viciousness and destroy you and your lackeys with a barrage of nuclear and conventional missiles, bombs, and artillery shells.”
“You’d be annihilated.”
“You’re a naïve bully to believe we’ll allow the United States to destroy us like it did Iraq and Libya. Those poor countries couldn’t hit back. But we can, and you know it.”
“I must warn the United States against taking military action against North Korea,” says Xi. “Our nations have been allied for centuries and repulsed such criminal invaders as the Japanese and the Americans.”
“President Xi, I’m willing to tear up your bill at Mar-a-Lago if you put pressure on this maniac who’s ready to murder millions to save his ass.”
“Watch your potty mouth,” says President Kim. “I’m not trying to kill anyone.”
“Only North Koreans so far. I doubt you’d be parading ICBMs and submarine-launched missiles if you didn’t plan to use them.”
“Actually, these weapons are only a deterrent to save my regime. The right of self-defense is fundamental in all countries.”
“I’m already a seasoned foreign policy veteran who generally refuses to tell what I’m going to do. But if it’ll help, I’m willing to promise you, President Kim, that we probably won’t attack if you do more nuclear testing. But we don’t like it.”
“We don’t like your annual defense exercises with South Korea. To us they seem like a prelude to invasion.”
“How do you think we view your belligerent behavior?”
“Stop trying to give treat me like Saddam and Gaddafi.”
“I suppose we could accept your being able to nuke anyone in your region, but I guarantee we won’t tolerate a ballistic missile that can carry a nuclear warhead to the United States.”
“We’re absolutely committed to developing that capability and progressing rapidly.”
“In that case, there’s going to be war,” says President Trump.
“Be careful about hitting our little brother,” President Xi says.
“We won’t have to if you control him.”
“Don’t force President Kim to strike South Korea.”
“What’s South Korea got to do with this?” asks The Donald.