I know some of you feel I lack empathy and have been calling me a narcissist, and that’s really unfair. As your president I’m up every night, tweeting and worrying about my most important priority, your safety and well-being. I also want to help people around the world.
Inevitably, I think a lot about the Syrians. It’s impossible to stop a civil war unless you’re ready to put several hundred thousand American troops there, and I know you don’t want that. Even if we intervened, it would be tough to stop the bloodshed. They’ve got ISIS on one side, other rebels all over, and they’re battling the regime of President Bashar al-Assad that’s killed hundreds of thousands, many of them civilians. Don’t assume I’m immune to this. Long before you read about it, I had reports about an Assad prison where thousands of prisoners are tortured and starved for weeks or months before being hanged. This place is really an extermination camp. But what can I do? You know Russia and President Vladimir Putin support Assad. Once I meet privately with Vladimir, I think I can convince him that Assad’s a bad guy. And after we take care of ISIS we can get rid of Assad and put someone in who may not be as bad. I doubt you’d like to deal with all this.
I can’t even relax at Mar-A-Lago with Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe. To insult us, that fat little bastard in North Korea, Kim Jong-Un, test fired another ballistic missile. He shot it right into Shinzo Abe’s gut and mine. We warned him not to endanger Japan. And, yeah, we forgot to mention South Korea. But South Korea knows we’re ready to protect it. They also realize we can’t stop North Korean conventional missiles and artillery from devastating Seoul and most of South Korea. And nuclear weapons, we can’t really stop them unless we launch a preemptive strike, but we sure as hell could annihilate the North Koreans if they start something. I can’t let them do that. I empathize with their poor starving oppressed people as well as their potential victims.
I care about people, and that’s what makes me a wonderful father. Ask my five kids. Do you have kids? If so, I bet you stand up for them. That’s all I was doing when Nordstrom’s threw Ivanka’s stylish clothes and shoes out of their stores. I ran and grabbed my tweeter and fired: “My daughter Ivanka has been treated so unfairly by @Nordstrom.” The company claims it didn’t reveal sales figures for Ivanka’s brand. They didn’t do it publicly but leaked the thirty percent sales decline from a year earlier to the Wall Street Journal. That’s a low blow.