Our naïve and pitiful nation is as I speak being targeted by terrorists here and abroad, and only I can save you from further carnage. An appellate court of three ultra-liberal and traitorous San Francisco judges has temporarily overturned my order to ban people from seven nations poisoned by Islam. They won’t get away with it. I’ve already tweeted: “SEE YOU IN COURT, THE SECURITY OF OUR NATION IS AT STAKE.” When I use all caps, baby, I’m pissed and when I’m that way people have always gotten scared, more so in the three brilliant weeks since I’ve become your president.
I admit, however, that my programs to protect you could be undermined by the gang of judicial and media liars who want to damage me politically and lessen your safety. The Three Stooges in San Francisco claimed they couldn’t find any information to verify my assertions that people from those countries had attacked us or threatened to do so. It’s far too easy in this country to contradict the president. Someday I may need to write the mother of all executive orders to prohibit the media – and the judiciary – from “hiding incidents of terrorism” instead of trusting me. Believe this: “Bad people are very happy” about this court ruling.
I got rid of a villain a few days ago. Guadalupe Garcia de Rayos had snuck from Mexico into our nation when she was fourteen years old. She bore two anchor babies here and was convicted of criminal impersonation after being nabbed during a work-site raid led by the forces of patriot and protector, Sheriff Joe Arpaio of Maricopa County, Arizona. Garcia de Rayos should’ve been deported at the time but weak authorities allowed her to stay as long as she checked with ICE every six months. That’s when we arrested her. There’s a new man in charge, and let me assure you this working mother, who’d lived here twenty years, has already been deported to Nogales, Mexico.
Phoenix Mayor Greg Stanton and Rep. Ruben Gallego called my patriotic action a “tragedy” and a “travesty,” and accused me of hounding harmless women and children instead of killers and drug dealers. They’re just trying to make Phoenix a sanctuary city, and that wouldn’t be smart since I’m going to financially squeeze people around the nation who shield those who’ve invaded our country.