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Off the WallFacebooktwittergoogle_pluslinkedinmail

I love being the coolest and most powerful man in the world especially as I sit on my throne in the Oval Office and, before the world, sign big my name in thick blue ink unleashing executive orders that implement my campaign promise to save the nation by walling off our southern border not only from Mexico but, by extension, Central America and lots of other bad places. We’re under siege from semi-civilized hordes desperate to come here to rape and pillage. Don’t listen to liberals who claim one-point-six million illegal aliens invaded in 1986 and the same number in 2000 while only three hundred thousand stormed our borders in 2015. The danger is increasing. I’ve talked to mothers whose children have been murdered by aliens and we know the statistics are wrong and anyway beside the point. We either have a nation or we don’t. In order to have a nation we need a wall that’s already being planned. Construction will soon begin. And, yes, Mexico will reimburse us. They’re damn lucky I’m not making them pay up front.

After finishing my signature duties, and prior to heading over to Homeland Security and throwing bloody meat at my supporters, I relax a little until a breathless aide runs to my side and says, “Here, Mr. President, you must read this.”

“What is it?”

“An article in Foreign Policy journal. It’s titled, ‘Seven Bargaining Chips Mexico Has in Negotiations With Trump.’”

“I’ve got all the chips, just like in my casinos.”

“Some of those casinos went bankrupt, so please take a look.”

“Don’t be smartass. Is this going to be on TV?”

“It wouldn’t be so straightforward in that medium.”

“Okay, just read me some of the main points.”

“Number one, the article says ‘six million jobs in the United States depend on trade with Mexico.’”

“What’re they going to do? Stop buying our products?”

“They could buy some things elsewhere.”

“For more money and less quality.”

“Point two says immigrants generate as much as four percent of our gross domestic product and do so without costing this country jobs.”

“What’s their source?” I ask.

“Business Insider.”

“I’m the ultimate insider and guarantee that’s bull. Whatever they generate comes out of the pockets of hardworking Americans.”

“Or unemployed Americans who don’t want to be farmworkers.”

“Hold the commentary. Number three.”

“They say ‘Mexico is the United States’ third-largest agricultural export market,’ and that earns us almost twenty billion annually.”

“Who says?”

My aide monkeys with his phone and says, “It’s not in the article but here I see it: the United States Department of Agriculture.”

“Twenty billion dollars or pesos?”


“Like I said, if the Mexicans want to buy from someone else, let them.”

“Here, Mr. President, I’ve just found something else from an article in Forbes magazine: ‘Every major trading partner saw a decline of at least five percent in their imports from the U.S. Only Mexico continued to buy American.’”

“You think President Enrique Peña Nieto knows this?”

“Doubtful, he doesn’t like to read, either.”

“Anything about my wall?”

“Point six says our neighbor continues to make it ‘very clear it has no intention of reimbursing the United States… for the wall on the border.’”

“We’ll find indirect ways to make them pay, taxes, tariffs, lots of stuff.”

“Are you going to tell that to President Peña Nieto when he visits you next week?”

“Damn right I am.”

“If he still plans to come.”

“Quit playing with your damn phone.”

This entry was posted in Donald Trump, Enrique Pena Nieto, Immigration, Mexico.