I am today honored to stand before the impoverished and miserable people of the United States and take my rightful place as a successor to George Washington and Abraham Lincoln. I too shall be your savior and forever protect you from people like the four failures sitting behind me on this executive stage. President Jimmy Carter left us with high interest rates and hostages in Iran. President Bill Clinton stained the presidency and was impeached for dropping his drawers in the sacred Oval Office. President George W. Bush exhibited a low IQ and reckless nature while luring the nation into an unnecessary and disastrous war in Iraq. And my predecessor, President Barack Obama, talked sweetly as our inner cities rotted and enemies abroad kicked us in the balls. My fellow Americans, I vow this devastation will not continue. We are going to rebuild our pitifully weak nation. And believe me, at this moment we’re on life support.
Before I go on, please take a look at my gorgeous and dignified wife Melania, my beautiful eldest daughter Ivanka, and the two blonde babes married to my animal-slaying sons from the first of my three holy marriages. I have procreated a great family and many wonderful businesses, and that is why you’re so hopeful as I become your president. Every four years we celebrate another orderly and peaceful transfer of power, though during the campaign, when it looked like I’d lose, I threatened to unleash – or at least fail to control – my essentially uneducated supporters, fools who actually believe I’d rather help them than rip them off as I’ve so often done, and without admitting any wrongdoing.
I understand that many of you, primarily Democrats, view me as a callous billionaire who throughout his life has by money, mansions, and security goons separated himself from the sweaty masses. That’s true, but thank God almost half the people in this desperate land want to roll the dice in my casino, betting on the proposition that I’ve somehow become the champion of the poor and the implacable foe of the small gang of powerbrokers and thieves in the nation’s capital who “reaped the rewards of government while the people have borne the cost.”
Our jobs have left and our factories closed. I don’t care that unemployment is today lower than it’s been in years. It doesn’t matter that our auto industry has been revived. It’s irrelevant the stock market is at record highs. What counts is that you embrace my demagoguery. In return I promise: “This moment is your moment; it belongs to you…This is your day. This is your celebration.” You’re celebrating that I’m your trusted protector and father of a new America. With my mighty hands guiding us, we will rid ourselves of inner city poverty, shuttered factories, failing schools, and rampant crime, gangs, and drugs. Miraculously, I will stop this carnage right now.
No longer will we defend “other nations’ borders while refusing to defend our own.” No longer will be spend “trillions of dollars overseas while America’s infrastructure” crumbles. No longer will “the wealth of our middle class (be) ripped from their homes and then redistributed across the entire world.” Trust me. Many more great developments are imminent. “We will bring back our borders. We will bring back our wealth. And we will bring back our dreams.” Before I took the presidential oath minutes ago, you had only chaos, poverty, and nightmares. Ours was the most wretched of nations, and all of you were suffering far more than you understood until I repeatedly explained your plight.
Fear not. We’re going to “buy American and hire American… We will seek friendship and goodwill” abroad “but we do so with the understanding that it is the right of all nations to put their own interests first.” We must cease being so generous and trusting, and I’m going to keep you convinced that you’ve been a nation of helpless victims until this shining moment as we prepare to “reinforce old alliances and form new ones… and unite the civilized world against Radical Islamic Terrorism, which we will eradicate completely from the face of the earth.”
At its essence, “our politics will be a total allegiance to the United States of America, and through our loyalty to our country, we will rediscover our loyalty to each other… When America is united, America is totally unstoppable.” Until now, our country has not been so divided since the days of the Civil War. Your agony is over. “We are protected by God,” and I know what He wants me to do. Despite what my enemies say, I have always loved God and studied scripture. Indeed, I’m a biblical scholar, and my spiritual beliefs have taught me “that a nation is only living as long as it is striving. We will no longer accept politicians (like the four simpletons on this stage) who are all talk and no action… The time for empty talk is over.” It’s time for barrages of my insulting tweets which will rouse our country to “thrive and prosper again.” I may even rent apartments to blacks, and without much regret. We can’t worry about the color of our skin. “We all bleed the same red blood of patriots… and we all salute the same great American flag.”
I promise “you will never be ignored again…. Together we will make America strong again… wealthy again… proud again… and safe again.” You must therefore remember that until I took office you were weak, poor, ashamed, and imperiled.