Outraged by the contradictory tweet from President-elect Trump, I snatched my high powered Dear Leader tweeter and fired: It will happen. North Korea will soon have a nuclear-tipped ballistic missile capable of reaching the United States.
In daily telepathic conversations my godlike grandfather and father, who created a paradise that capitalists want to destroy, tell me what I must do. I must always ignore insults from enemies who call me mad and delusional and say I’m fat and fattening. Trust me, I’m neither mad nor delusional, but Saddam Hussein and Muammar Gaddafi must have been thusly afflicted to believe the Americans wouldn’t someday conquer their countries and execute them. I often think about the departed dictators. Wouldn’t you?
I guarantee you’ll never turn on your TVs and see me with a noose around my neck or North Koreans parading my battered face through the streets prior to shooting me. That worries the Americans. With the probable exception of Donald Trump, they understand my conventional forces are eternally primed and ready to hurl destruction upon Seoul and many other hostile targets, and South Koreans are always uncomfortable during their annual military exercises with the Americans. They’d like to invade my country, they’d like to crush me but know they dare not try.
My enemies claim provocative moves are vital to deter me from attacking South Korea. That’s a strange preoccupation. Who have I ever invaded? I’m busy oppressing, starving, and brainwashing my people. I have neither the means nor the desire to conquer. I don’t command the United States. I lead a nation determined to ignore the sanctions and threats of imperialists. Their efforts to ruin us have failed. Stronger we grow every day. Shrewder become our scientists. Slimmer are the chances anyone can stop me from developing more nuclear weapons and ballistic missiles.
Here’s another tweet for Donald Trump: What are you going to do about my nuclear deterrents? I’ll tell you. You’re going to accept the fait accompli.
The president-elect enjoys insulting China because it won’t “help with North Korea.” Does this foreign policy neophyte understand the Chinese don’t want my haven to collapse and unleash millions of desperate refugees into their country? Doesn’t The Donald realize the Chinese need a buffer zone between themselves and American troops eternally stationed in South Korea? Does he believe the Chinese would tolerate a North Korean collapse opening the gates for Yankee militarism on the Sino-Korean border?
Has Donald Trump read about the Chinese invasion and rout of U.S. troops during the Korean War? I know the Loud One doesn’t read but perhaps one of his advisors could tell him. The Chinese are infinitely stronger now and will assure my survival as long as they want.