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Their aides had set up the conversation which began this way: “Hello, President Trump here from legendary Trump Tower overlooking the finest city in the greatest nation I’ll soon rule.”

“This is President Putin from the elegant and intimidating Kremlin anchoring the largest nation on earth.”

“It’s a thrill to talk to you again, Vladimir, especially now that we’re equals. I can call you Vladimir, can’t I? You let George W. Bush.”

“He was already in office but it’s all right since I’m responsible for your becoming president.”

“Thank you so much for hacking key Democratic files and releasing the information to Wikileaks. I might’ve won anyway, though.”

“Perhaps not, but it doesn’t matter since you’re ideal for the job and appreciate my power and guile.”

“That’s right. Hillary was a warmonger and would’ve shoved her flabby chest into your face.”

“I’m no longer concerned about her, Donald. I’m worried you’re becoming entirely too friendly with President Obama.”

“He’s a cool guy, I gotta admit, and has been tutoring me on both foreign and domestic policy.”

“I’m confident you won’t let that African influence you unduly. He’ll soon be irrelevant, anyway, and we can speak European to European.”

“We have a great deal in common, Vladimir. We’re both billionaires and understand business. Of course, you were a bureaucrat as head of the KGB and don’t have my entrepreneurial experience.”

“And you don’t have my experience using shady dictatorial means to rapidly acquire a vast fortune.”

“Our system’s quite a bit stricter than yours was after the fall of the Iron Curtain.”

“The latter was a geopolitical disaster of the first magnitude, as I’ve often bemoaned.”

“Don’t worry. With me in charge, the United States will improve relations with Russia.”

“The American media persists in portraying me as a bullying dictator determined to restore the power of something approaching that of the Soviet Union.”

“Much as I admire you, I won’t permit any land grabs by Russia, other than the Crimea, or belligerent behavior as in Ukraine and Chechnya.”

“Really, what would you do to stop me, if I want to expand into the Baltic States, for example? They were ours and still should be.”

“They’re independent and will stay that way. We know our nations aren’t going to war, and you know the United States and Western Europe can batter you with sanctions. Your people would suffer economically, and your media would rip you.”

“If they went too far, I’d simply jail them or help them disappear, as we’ve seen in other cases. You should consider getting tougher on your critics.”

“I like to complain about liberal conspiracies and how I’m mistreated, Vladimir, but I really don’t want to kill or jail any journalists. I’m satisfied blasting them on Twitter. Why don’t you get a Twitter account? You could let off a lot of steam without overreacting.”

“I’m the veteran strongman, and you should be listening.”

“I’m listening to Obama, I’ll sure listen to you.”

“If you’re friendly to Russia and Russian interests, in 2020 I’ll order my computer kingmakers to once again act in your behalf. Otherwise, we may have to support your opponent.”

“I doubt you’ll feel that way after making some deals with me, Vladimir. Let’s get together soon after I become president. Be my guest at the White House.”

“Sure, but first you need to come to Russia and establish yourself as a world leader who understands global dynamics and has the respect of, I must say, the greatest leader in the world today.”

“Okay, I’ll visit within my first couple of months in office.”

“I look forward to meeting Melania, your beautiful Soviet bloc wife.”

“And I’d really like to meet whoever you’re seeing, the rhythmic gymnast or Rupert Murdoch’s ex, who’s a friend of Ivanka, or that real young model.”

“I don’t have to tolerate invasions of my private life.”

“Relax, Vladimir, we’re just a couple of guys talking.”

“But when you talk, even in private, it makes the news.”

“So what? Look how much beautiful babes helped my career.”

This entry was posted in Barack Obama, Donald Trump, Ivanka Trump, Repert Murdoch, Russia, Vladimir Putin.