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Trump Interviews RomneyFacebooktwitterlinkedinmail

Smiling Mitt Romney, handsome and trim, marches into Trump Tower and rides high the elevator to the office of President-elect Donald Trump. After security guards strip search the former governor of Massachusetts, a secretary tells him, “Please have a seat. The president will be with you directly.”

Romney sits in a soft chair and on an adjacent table beholds scores of NRA publications. He chooses one, digging in, and reads most of the issue in about an hour before asking, “Pardon me, do you know approximately when the president-elect will be interviewing me?”

“He’s quite busy. As soon as he can.”

Romney selects a second magazine, glistening with guns on the cover, and reads another hour or so before the secretary says, “President Trump will see you now.”

Feeling a little tense after the wait, despite the spiritual stimulation, Romney practices a few tight smiles as he walks down the hall, and upon seeing The Donald he grins big and says, “Mr. President-elect, this is a great honor.”

“I expect so,” says Trump.

They move into Trump’s office offering a spectacular view of Manhattan, and the host says, “Every day I feel like I can see and understand the whole world from here.”

“I’ve traveled quite widely, too, Sir, and have many important foreign contacts.”

“That’s why I’ve asked you to interview for the secretary of state job.”

“I’d be honored to serve our country in that capacity, and I’d do a doggone good job.”

“You’ve got the intellect and experience, Mitt, no doubt about that. I do have some concerns, however.”

“Please speak frankly, Sir. I’m confident I can earn your trust.”

“I gotta ask you about your disgraceful attack on me last March.”

“Never have I struck you.”

“Don’t play dumb. I’m talking about the speech you gave calling me a phony and a fraud who makes promises as worthless as a degree from Trump University.”

“Aren’t we all ashamed of some of the things we say during the heat of campaigns?”

“You weren’t even in the campaign.”

“I was kind of hoping to be. But before long, Sir, I concluded you were the best and most dynamic candidate, a new breed of candidate unsullied by governmental experience or knowledge of the issues. Furthermore, I now realize I squandered time studying law and business at Harvard and would’ve been far better served by Trump University had it then existed.”

“You also said I was playing Americans for suckers so I’d get a free ride to the White House.”

“What an intemperate and utterly indefensible statement that was. In fact, the presidential campaign was long and thorough, and in Darwinian fashion you removed sixteen weak Republican opponents, and I too would’ve been trampled by the Trumpian juggernaut had I been so foolish as to challenge your candidacy.”

“You’re right about that. Now, what about you saying dishonesty is Donald Trump’s hallmark?”

“I didn’t mean it literally. Indeed, I was dishonest in making that statement.”

“You also criticized me for bullying and greed and showing off and misogyny and absurd third-grade theatrics.”

“Wasn’t that juvenile of me?” says Romney. “Here in private, Sir, I admit that my spleen exploded as I realized that you, rather than I, would become commander in chief of the greatest nation in history.”

“Really, Mitt, your cheap shots surprised me since in 2012 you would’ve dropped to your knees to get my endorsement. You’ve should’ve won that race and saved us four more years of Barack Obama. But you disappeared. I wasn’t happy about it. I backed you, yet in 2016 you showed how loyal you are.”

“I’m profoundly ashamed, and ask you to forgive me.”

“I may do that. Believe it or not, you’re still in the running for secretary of state. I’d prefer General David Petraeus, a real stud, but have already assigned other generals to be defense secretary, head of homeland security, and my national security adviser. I need someone who can be easily confirmed.”

“I can. You know that and so do millions of Americans.”

“I’ll let you know,” Trump says, rising.

Romney also stands, and in storms Kellyanne Conway, the slender blonde vixen who guided Trump during the raucous campaign. She says, “How dare you come into this sacred office after the way you betrayed President Trump. You’re a vile and disgusting man and a traitor.”

“The president-elect and I have been discussing these very concerns.”

“We don’t even know who you voted for,” she says.

“I could lie but I shan’t. I wrote in my name, but realize I should’ve voted for Donald J. Trump.”

This entry was posted in Barack Obama, David Petraeus, Donald Trump, Kellyanne Conway, Mitt Romney, Trump University.