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Fidel Calls TrumpFacebooktwittergoogle_pluslinkedinmail

I generally ignore tweets but an aide excitedly brings me this: “Fidel Castro is dead.” I’m not surprised Donald Trump is celebrating my reported departure, though I think it’s unseemly for imminent heads of state to publicly gloat about the passing of peers, so I tell the young man, “Bring me my phone.”

I should’ve had Raul arrange this call through appropriate channels since several times snotty capitalists between Trump and me hang up. One of my intelligence agents, using confidential means, eventually connects with Ivanka Trump and serves as translator.

“Listen, young lady, this is Fidel, the only real Comandante en Jefe Cuba will ever have. Please let me speak to your father.”

“All right, but if this is a hoax I won’t be as energetic in aiding the Cuban economy,” she says.

“I’m not joking.”

Within a minute I hear, “Oh, good morning, Fidel, you didn’t stay dead long.”

“Spare me your suspicion and sarcasm. As a courtesy I’m calling to tell you that while my flesh and bones may soon be ceremoniously cremated, my spirit and my voice – still indefatigable for hours nonstop – will continue to guide the Cuban people and influence free men and women the world over.”

“In fact, Fidel, your name’s synonymous with repression and economic incompetence.”

“Unlike you, I’ve never filed for bankruptcy.”

“Your whole damn nation’s bankrupt and decrepit.”

“Your boycott, a petty and destructive act, did hurt us as did the demise of that bastion of communistic endeavor, the Soviet Union.”

“They collapsed because they didn’t understand business. I do, and I’m going to make America great again.”

“I won’t debate economics, Donald. Indeed, I want to make some deals with you. I know you’re aware we’ve greatly expanded our tourism and would like to have more hotels. I’ll even dispense with diplomatic waiting and tell you now: I want at least five of your splendid Trump Golf Courses in Cuba as soon as possible. And we should have a Trump Casino at each course. We’d welcome you to play a round as each course is inaugurated. In fact, I invite you to come now, before your inauguration, to check out some prospective building sites.”

“I’m impressed by your new attitude, Fidel. We’ll set up a business tour soon. I’ll bring my top economic advisers, billionaires who’d love to help you build businesses that’ll generate jobs and money for your nation.”

“Raul and I would naturally have to approve everything.”

“You may be a dynamic politician but an entrepreneur you ain’t.”

“We must guard against signing away our national wealth.”

“Reasonable oversight is fine. That’s part of a deal. And I want you to know that from now on my definition of a good deal is one that helps both sides.”

“What about what about Trump University?”

“Without admitting any wrongdoing, we paid some malcontents twenty-five million dollars. In January I’m going to be in charge of a multi-trillion-dollar nation and the mightiest military ever. I don’t want to be bothered by frivolous lawsuits.”

“I’m flexible enough to accept your promise of goodwill. We Cubans have more physicians per capita than anyone and have shared them all over the world.”

“That’s great, but Cuba must offer its people political freedom.”

“You mean like we had when the United States backed corrupt and brutal Fulgencio Batista?”

“Ancient history. I’m talking about free elections and democracy for all Cubans.”

“That’s not why I called.”

“You want the bucks, open your voting booths. That’s the deal.”

“Come on down and let’s do some business.”

“What about Raul?” Donald asks.

“I’m still the big brother.”

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This entry was posted in Barack Obama, Cuba, Donald Trump, Fidel Castro, Fulgencio Batista, Golf, Ivanka Trump, Raul Castro, Trump University.