Mullah Omar Denounces

My comrades and I in the Afghan Taliban are outraged by the cowardly and vicious attack by so-called Pakistani Taliban fighters who murdered a hundred forty innocent children studying at a military school in Peshawar. We would never commit such vile crimes, and extend profound condolences to the Pakistani government, and particularly the Inter-Service Intelligence,…

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Fidel Meets Marco Rubio

At a time and location neither man will acknowledge, Fidel Castro, age eighty-eight but still a political stalwart even in semi-retirement, shakes hands with United States Senator Marco Rubio, who’s half his age. “Mucho gusto,” Fidel says. “I’m proud you’ve done so well in American politics.” “If you hadn’t forced countless citizens into exile, I’d…

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Outraged by Castro-Loving Obama

Thank God our Republican Party is now resolved to prevent the worst president in history, Barack Hussein Obama, from normalizing relations with Cuba. How dare he try to throw our nation in bed with Caribbean communists and characterize our Cuban policy of more than fifty years as being outdated and a failure? It has been…

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Torturous Jackpot

Frankly, Johnson was broke. He’d blown all his money doing unsavory things but couldn’t change that. He had to survive and hoped to soon flourish and thought he would after learning from confidential sources about James E. Mitchell and Bruce Jessen and writing them letters. He knew they could help. They’d been mere staff psychologists…

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Money Says Yes

You calling again. I know why. Sure I’ll answer the question. Ain’t Money always straight? Not about this? Bullshit. I’ve always said the guy’s on drugs and I value my health more than taking on cheaters who excite fans. Anyway, no one can complain now. I’m making the fight. It won’t be that tough. Manny…

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Clueless Kobe Bryant

Clueless Kobe Bryant yesterday cursed teammates for being inadequate and responsible for the Lakers losing most of their games. Kobe’s got it wrong. He’s the problem, and his compulsive gunning and low shooting percentage are why the Lakers are struggling. While Kobe hits an appalling 39 percent from the floor, most of his teammates are…

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Eldridge Cleaver has Changed

There were confrontational people in the crowd and they hurled invectives at a speaker created for confrontation. A young curly-haired fellow, smirking, waved a sign that projected insulting remarks about the man on the platform, and he shouted, “You’re in the FBI.” “First of all, you can take that sign and shove it,” said the…

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Emotions and Statistics from Ferguson

The usual suspects right and left are respectively railing that police are always justified in using force in ghettoes or they’re never justified in so doing especially if the alleged criminal descended from slaves. There’s no need to refute Al Sharpton, race baiter and riotous agitator extraordinaire, or columnist Leonard Pitts, a self-proclaimed introvert who’s…

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Pacquiao Plans Another War

Several years ago Freddie Roach, in a radio interview I heard, said he hoped his star pupil Manny Pacquiao was only going to fight one or two more times because he wanted to make sure Manny never got hurt. Roach, a brain-damaged former fighter, has evidently revised the career blueprint to one or two fights…

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Bakersfield Number One

Bring out the beer, boys, Bakersfield’s number one again. You see the report? We got the highest rate of auto theft in the United States. My buggy was ripped off last month. I love it. We also got the dirtiest air in the country. And as more of our teenage girls get knocked up we…

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Mayweather Invests in Himself

You might’ve been discouraged by eight to one odds favoring me to again beat Marcos Maidana but don’t worry, I’m going to teach you about prudent investing. Look at it this way. If you bet a thousand bucks on me you’ll earn about a hundred twenty. That’s twelve percent and damn good for a very-short-term…

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Putin Fights Fascists in Ukraine

It is my duty to speak and my nature to lead. Russians and all others respect the most fearsome martial artist who’s ever guided any nation and the special friend of a sensuous young woman. I bring strength, insight, and animal appeal into any environment I grace. Right now, more than ever, my stage is…

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Mayor Klitschko’s Successes

I didn’t worry about ragged furniture in my office at Kiev City Hall. The city looked much worse as unemployment rose, wages fell, our till stood empty, protestors lived in tents a hundred meters from my office, and Russian troops mobilized on our eastern border. The big bears intended to convince all Ukrainians, and especially…

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Mortician of Ferdinand Marcos

I was appalled that another mortician, a mere tradesman pretending to be an artist, claimed he was going to rebuild and beautify the real face of Ferdinand Marcos. This lout, the mortician, not the even more egregious Marcos, I shall not deign to name. He appeared but briefly on the historical stage before I evicted…

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Ferdinand Marcos Endures

I’m not surprised the communists are still after me. They know I’m their most resolute enemy. I won’t let them carry out subversive activities. I won’t permit them to dominate my country. That’s why they didn’t want me to remain President of the Philippines longer than two four-year terms limited by the constitution. The communists…

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Saddam Counters Islamic State

Thankfully I’m an empathetic man or I would’ve hammered my driver into the head of the flunky who interrupted my backswing on the gorgeous eighteenth tee at Doral. He said he was an aide to President Barack Obama and urged me to help save Iraq and the Middle East and vital American and Israeli interests.…

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Good Luck Nigeria

I’m in the Nigerian army a few years ago when Muslim insurgents of Boko Haram start killing people in the north and demand girls stop attending Western schools and establish harsh rules supposedly found in the Koran. I don’t know or care about that stuff and doubt President Goodluck Jonathan does, either. Like me, he’s…

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Alternative – 70th Anniversary of D-Day

Eleven days after the D-Day landing on June 6, 1944, Field Marshal Erwin Rommel was driven to Adolf Hitler’s headquarters. Alternative By Field Marshal Erwin Rommel Hitler either didn’t believe what was happening, or he didn’t understand the implications. I was determined to explain matters face to face. So was Field Marshal Rundstedt. We repeatedly…

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Himmler Visits North Korea

I’m tired of people joking the Reichsfuehrer SS once gagged and almost fainted after seeing some civilians shot. I did stagger, yes, but didn’t fall or vomit and, after being helped away and recovering, I sent orders to continue shooting. That’s such a slow and messy process, I know. We don’t have any gas chambers…

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