Archive for 2007
Skipper Stu Nahan
Wednesday night, after I’d scurried around the airport in Fresno, looking for luggage that wasn’t there, my cell phone vibrated but I ignored it and instead stepped to customer service and politely scolded the airline representative for shoehorning me into a connecting flight that, especially during holiday season, was unlikely to receive bags from my…
Read MoreCrisis in the Sink
Harold wasn’t going to let them blame this crisis on shoddy housekeeping. Granted, the aged food covered with starving ants on the floor between refrigerator and cabinet must have been his responsibility since he didn’t see anyone else throw it there and couldn’t plausibly explain who might’ve committed such an act. That, at any rate,…
Read MoreTwo Letters to Norman Mailer
In 1988 I was struggling with alcohol and substance abuse. I doubt I would write two letters like these now, as I near my tenth anniversary of sobriety, but from a literary standpoint it’s certain I should exhume some of the anger that follows and put it on paper. May 10, 1988 Dear Norman, I’ve…
Read MoreNorman Mailer Embraces “The White Negro”
Of thousands of piquant opinions I fired into the literary firmament one of the last was that the Internet is the most wretched invention since masturbation. Nevertheless, in my new world of decidedly more restricted options, I was thankful to be given a few hours online to read tributes and broadsides that followed my earthly…
Read MoreRight Church
I didn’t know where to look. From first grade I’d gone to Catholic church. It was routine and boring with kneeling and standing while priests mumbled and hissed things not related to daily life. At monthly confession I felt they were snobby and unapproachable, especially when told had two sons and wasn’t married. They grilled…
Read MoreAhmadinejad and Bush Spar at the United Nations
In a startling (and heretofore unreported) miscalculation in security planning last week at the United Nations in New York, secret service agents led a rapidly-departing President George W. Bush right into the exit path of the man he most loves to talk about but least wants to talk to, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran. President…
Read MoreTear Down those Nice Houses
I wish I were a member of the growing juggernaut of elite achievers who can afford to buy beautiful houses in wonderful areas then raze the structures and build something much grander. This whole process either bespeaks a society of great wealth, energy, and imagination or foretells doom on the scale of sybaritic Romans who…
Read MoreTaxi Tips In Mexico City
In order to help you avoid being overcharged, introduced to sexy but unscrupulous companions, ensnared in business ventures by smooth talkers, or kidnapped and robbed, I have compiled a nearly foolproof list of advice about how to deal with Mexico City taxi drivers, who, during my several trips to this magnetic metropolis, have been unsuccessful…
Read MoreEddie Hart’s Quest to be the Fastest
Since his youth in the schoolyard, where he always outran other kids to the finish line, Eddie Hart dreamed of someday becoming the Fastest Man in the World. It is one of the most respected titles in sports – requiring a raw display of unequivocal athleticism – and rivals the significance (though not the celebrity)…
Read MoreA World of Protests in Mexico City
“To the Museum of Modern Art, please,” I told the taxi driver. “I can’t go there. The street’s closed.” “Paseo de la Reforma?” “That’s right.” “What’s going on?” “A big demonstration.” “What are they protesting?” “Don’t know. I can’t keep track of all the protests.” “Please drive as close as you can, and I’ll walk…
Read MoreThe Ant versus the Spider
Harold’s apartment was small and messy. He hadn’t vacuumed the faded green carpet in weeks and its odor suggested dampness and rot. Even more distressing, books new and worn, tall and short, hardcover and paperback huddled in too many bookshelves, and papers were strewn all over a large drafting board, and all that was a…
Read MoreRev. Al Sharpton in the Pulpit
Later on we’ll talk about Al Sharpton the bold political activist and brazen race baiter, the man who strives to build communities and the one who’s addicted to public controversy. Right now it’s Sunday morning and none of that matters. Reverend Al has come to Bakersfield and is somewhere in the church. The pews are…
Read MoreShah of Iran Comments on the Nuclear Nation
Why would I be bitter the Americans deserted me? I suppose they felt I hadn’t done enough. During World War II, after the British forced my anachronistic father to leave the throne and installed me, I opened a vital Persian Corridor for Anglo-American supplies Russia used to defeat the Nazis. In the 1950’s I again…
Read MoreRussian President Vladimir Putin Addresses the American People
I have been trying to communicate with the citizens of the United States of America. As president of the world’s largest and second most dangerously armed nation, I believe what I have to say about foreign affairs and U.S.-Russian relations should interest the wealthiest and most powerful people on earth. But I’m having trouble getting…
Read MoreFidel Castro Announces his Comeback
A little less than a year ago my imperialist enemies were prancing in the streets of Mafia Miami as they celebrated the imminence of my death, many even claiming I was already gone. We can tell you now that I really was about dead. I had one, two, three and more intestinal operations, all unsuccessful,…
Read MoreA Jewish Girl in Nazi Germany
During the Los Angeles Book Fair at UCLA in late April, sun-splattered readers roamed by the thousands, and scores stopped by Tent 106 to talk to three other authors and me about our books. Mine is called Hitler Here. It’s a biographical novel, and the cover bears a menacing, pencil portrait of the man in…
Read MoreMexican Society Under Attack
I can’t offer you my byline or a dateline for this column, and I wouldn’t describe the scene outside my window even if the drapes were open. They’ve been closed a long time in Mexico, and I don’t think that’ll change soon. I’ve got to stay quiet and out of sight, two things a journalist…
Read MoreThe Nightmare of Cho Seung-Hui
As a boy I couldn’t talk much and didn’t like it when people spoke to me. I ignored them if I could. They should’ve kept away; I hated their hugs and kisses. I wanted to be alone in a desolate world. When my older sister did not understand that, I’d hit her hard. My parents…
Read MoreChimpanzee Discusses Weapons Making
As Chief of Chimpanzees, I have the duty to assure our closest genetic cousins, and most unrelenting enemies – human beings – that though we chimps are developing weapons, we are not doing so to attack the kings of the earth. Despite their paranoid nature, humans, I am certain, will believe me. Their arsenals of…
Read MoreAfrican American Activist Denounces Hate Crimes Trial
I hope you’ve been reading about the typical white racist attempt to just about lynch those ten black juveniles, including nine girls, falsely accused of stomping three young white women outside a haunted house last Halloween night in Long Beach, California. When they were surrounded by a group of taunting, crotch-grabbing African Americans, the white…
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