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Category Archives: Bashar al-Assad

Mike Pompeo Preaches in Cairo

(Highlights from the recent Cairo speech by Secretary of State Mike Pompeo) I’m always eager to visit Egypt, a land I know so well, and am especially happy this time because I’m an evangelical Christian arriving soon after the Coptic Church celebrated Christmas here in beautiful Cairo. “We are all children of Abraham: Christians, Muslims, […]

Also posted in Barack Obama, Donald Trump, Egypt, Iran, Iraq, Middle East, Mike Pompeo, Saudi Arabia, Syria, Yemen

James Mattis Moderates John Bolton

Dr. Harrison didn’t get drunk on fine wines at the party for powerbrokers in Washington, D.C. that recent night but did consume enough to hand the keys to his wife, after only brief debate, and rode shotgun, singing his alma mater’s fight song. At home he again acceded in gentlemanly fashion and, still clothed except […]

Also posted in Chemical Weapons, Donald Trump, Iran, Iraq, James Mattis, John Bolton, Kim Jong-Un, Korea, Nuclear Weapons, Syria

Stalin Assesses Syria

I love my giant TV in the sky and hotlines to hell where you still dwell. No longer do I have to worry about the deadly schemes of millions of enemies internal and external and my stressful duty of arresting, torturing, and slaughtering them. Those tasks now fall to others, in many nations, and I’m […]

Also posted in Donald Trump, James Mattis, Jose Abeto Zaide, Joseph Stalin, Missiles, Nuclear Weapons, Russia, Syria, Timber Sycamore, Vlade Divac

Trump Tweets Assad

my first message assad you’re a sick animal and i’m gonna punish you for poison gassing mothers and children my second message we’re getting out of your shithole country before midterm elections in november

Also posted in Chemical Weapons, Donald Trump, Syria

Obama Writes to Trump

Dear President Trump, I have to this point restrained myself from responding to your avalanche of falsehoods and insults but better speak now, in this letter I share with a public likely to suffer from your instability and that should know you’re a nonalcoholic version of witch-hunting Senator Joseph McCarthy, whose name still makes free […]

Also posted in Barack Obama, Chemical Weapons, Donald Trump, Iran, Iraq, Korea, Nuclear Weapons, Syria

Trump Strikes Syria

assad doesn’t know what I’m thinking because i don’t either four years ago i tweeted obama don’t attack syria after that i bashed him for not striking now i’m firing cruise missiles and not worried what’s next

Also posted in Chemical Weapons, Donald Trump, Russia, Syria

Assad Passes Gas

Trust me, as the father of all Syrians, I – President Bashar al-Assad – am more aggrieved than anyone by the cowardly and criminals gas attacks that killed scores of women and children in the town of Khan Sheikhoun. Even though I’m an enormously proud and powerful man, I tell you I wept at reports […]

Also posted in Barack Obama, Chemical Weapons, Donald Trump, ISIS, Rex Tillerson, Russia, Syria, Vladimir Putin

Empathetic Trump

I know some of you feel I lack empathy and have been calling me a narcissist, and that’s really unfair. As your president I’m up every night, tweeting and worrying about my most important priority, your safety and well-being. I also want to help people around the world. Inevitably, I think a lot about the […]

Also posted in Donald Trump, ISIS, Ivanka Trump, Japan, Korea, Syria

Putin Picks VP Winner

This story is from the rousing campaign book “King Donald”

Also posted in Campaign 2016, Crimea, Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, Iran, ISIS, Mike Pence, Nuclear Weapons, Russia, Syria, Tim Kaine, Ukraine, Vladimir Putin

Putin on Syrian Gas

Let’s be honest. I’m shrewdest politician in world. I maneuver into many terms as president, deftly gag dissenters, jail Pussy Riot female rockers who belittle Christ, and now I write columns for New York Times. If life weren’t so good in Russia I’d move to Big Apple and comment full-time. I have special insight into […]

Also posted in Barack Obama, Chemical Weapons, Hafez al-Assad, Middle East, Pussy Riot, Russia, Short Pieces - GTC, Syria, Vladimir Putin

Assad Explains Seige of Homs

This story is from the collection “Obama on Edge”

Also posted in Barack Obama, Chemical Weapons, Hafez al-Assad, Middle East, Short Pieces - GTC, Syria

Kerry Challenges Assad

We have unassailable evidence Bashar al-Assad gassed Syrian civilians in vile attempt to retain stranglehold on country. What we don’t have is war-winning military option. Americans don’t want to fight in Syria and neither do allies. It’s therefore incumbent on me, as decorated and oft-wounded warrior, to stand up and challenge Assad to hand-to-hand combat. […]

Also posted in Chemical Weapons, Hafez al-Assad, John Kerry, Middle East, Syria

Assad Gas Company

Obama has red line between eyes that means I can use gas whenever. I don’t want to every day, only when I need to. Sometimes I need to gas children and other sleeping civilians who understand I must keep power. Only I am qualified to lead. Before I took over, only Father was fit. Syria […]

Also posted in Chemical Weapons, Hafez al-Assad, Middle East, Short Pieces - GTC, Syria

Assad Hangs

I’m not dork or mass murderer. I’m Syrian President for Life and with iron fist striking foreign terrorists agitating my people. This I decree during fiery speeches forcing everyone to understand father and I’ve ruled Syria forty years, lot less than forever enemies will have to wait for me to leave. Twenty million Syrians know […]

Also posted in Hafez al-Assad, Middle East, Short Pieces - GTC, Syria

Syrian Military Headquarters Attacked

Please be responsible citizens of the world and ignore terrorists’ claims they killed about twenty men at our national military headquarters in downtown Damascus. I assure you none of my officers and soldiers died. Perhaps a few suffered minor injuries. The building itself did sustain some blasts and burns and had to be evacuated. That […]

Also posted in Hafez al-Assad, Middle East, Syria

Assad Battles Terrorists

This story is from the collection “Obama on Edge”

Also posted in Children, Education, Hafez al-Assad, Middle East, Syria

Syrian Composer Speaks

This story is from the collection “Obama on Edge”

Also posted in Barack Obama, Computers, Hafez al-Assad, Hammer Museum, Los Angeles, Malek Jandali, Middle East, Mona Simpson, Music, Steve Jobs, Syria, Writers

Conviction of Bashar al-Assad

i keep saying terrorists incited and abetted by foreigners are attacking our beloved syrian homeland and have convinced myself and hope you as well

Also posted in Hafez al-Assad, Middle East, Poetry - GTC, Syria

Assad Justifies Bombardment

This story is from the collection “Obama on Edge”

Also posted in Hafez al-Assad, Middle East, Syria

Assad’s Guidelines

This story is from the collection “Obama on Edge”

Also posted in Hafez al-Assad, Middle East, Poetry - GTC, Syria

Bashar al-Assad Can’t Stop

can’t stop shooting terrorists still firing can’t retreat or they’ll move in can’t have ceasefire till sure terrorists controlled by monitors from right countries

Also posted in Hafez al-Assad, Middle East, Poetry - GTC, Syria

Conservative International Action Plan

This story is from the collection “Obama on Edge”

Also posted in Afghanistan, Barack Obama, China, Cold War, Conservatives, Iran, Iraq, Middle East, Nuclear Weapons, Pacific Ocean, Republicans, Russia, Saddam Hussein, Syria, Taliban, Vladimir Putin

Shopping with Missus Assad

This story is from the collection “Obama on Edge”

Also posted in Asma al-Assad, Hafez al-Assad, Internet, Middle East, Poetry - GTC, Syria

Bashar al-Assad’s New Hippocratic Oath

bashar al-assad distinguished opthamologist has revised hippocratic oath at gunpoint demanding doctors foreswear treating injured patients in syrian hospitals

Also posted in Doctors, Hafez al-Assad, Health, Middle East, Poetry - GTC

Bashar al-Assad’s Minefield

why mine borders blocking those who want to flee imprisoned in syria they’ll slit your gut

Also posted in Hafez al-Assad, Middle East, Poetry - GTC, Syria, Turkey

Assad Explains Siege of Homs

I’ve been reading international reports. People are saying I’ve sequestered myself with sycophants and yes men. They should be quiet and listen to the truth. I admit my opposition’s a bit broader than initially perceived. Quite a few terrorist-infected Syrians don’t understand the Assad dynasty must endure. To protect the country I’ve been forced to […]

Also posted in Hafez al-Assad, Middle East, Poetry - GTC, Syria, United Nations

Siege of Homs

Please click here to read an excerpt from “Obama on Edge.”

Also posted in Hafez al-Assad, Middle East, Syria

Bashar al-Assad Gets Tougher

i am not dork or mass murderer i’m president for life of syria and prepared to strike with iron fist those foreign terrorists who’ve been agitating my people this i decreed during fiery two hour speech forcing everyone to understand my father and i’ve ruled syria forty years lot less than forever they’ll have to […]

Also posted in Hafez al-Assad, Middle East, Poetry - GTC, Syria

Awaiting First Lady of Syria

wife bashar al-assad often denounces israel when will she denounce husband

Also posted in Asma al-Assad, Hafez al-Assad, Israel, Middle East, Poetry - GTC, Syria

Assad Welcomes Arab League

This story is from the collection “Obama on Edge”

Also posted in Arab League, Mohammed Ahmed al-Dabi, Muammar Gaddafi, Omar al-Bashir, Poetry - GTC, Saddam Hussein, Sudan, Syria

Saddam Comforts Americans

This story is from the collection “Echoes from Saddam Hussein”

Also posted in Egypt, Iran, Iraq, Israel, Lebanon, Middle East, Nouri al-Maliki, Saddam Hussein, Syria

Assad Ponders Gaddafi

This story is from the collection “Obama on Edge”

Also posted in Benito Mussolini, Italy, Libya, Middle East, Poetry - GTC, Syria

Bashar al-Assad Defends Himself

This story is from the collection “Obama on Edge”

Also posted in Hafez al-Assad, Middle East, Syria