Tiger Woods

Tiger’s Green Jacket

April 20, 2019

I can’t sleep. I’d get up and do something if I could but my back’s too sore. It hurts all the time. I’ll take another pain pill or two. I’ll take whatever’s necessary to quit hurting. I think my mind hurts more than my back. What I’ve got to do is quit thinking. This all…

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He’s Tiger Again

September 24, 2018

I don’t know Tiger Woods personally. Like millions I’ve instead for a generation enjoyed his mastery on golf courses and felt emotionally connected to his seventy-nine career victories, many dominant and all exciting. I’ve also winced as he struggled with personal problems and a series of injuries and surgeries and wondered if he’d ever walk…

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Tiger Woods on the Prowl

August 16, 2018

Few in any sport have exerted the gravitational pull of red-shirted Tiger Woods on championship Sundays. For twelve years he dominated the landscape, shooting eighteen under par to demolish the field in his first professional Masters, inventing the Tiger Slam, an unprecedented four straight majors over two seasons, and seizing fourteen majors and dozens of…

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Tiger’s Many Aches

September 23, 2015

About fifty years ago a wisecracking Brooklyn-born barber clipping in Sacramento took a yellow newspaper article off his wall, handed it to me, and said, “This is for you. And don’t forget, despite all these injuries he’s got more World Series home runs than anyone. How many does your guy Willie Mays have?” Uncharacteristically, I…

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Golf Course Braces for Wild High School Reunion

October 1, 2010

Sacramento, CA – Officials at scenic Ancil Hoffman Golf Course, which stretches along the American River east of town, issued an emergency decree this morning after police informed them that a (publicly-unnamed) suburban high school, notorious for its rowdy alumni, plans next week to attack the links with ten foursomes celebrating forty years of parole…

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Hypocrites Still Attacking Tiger Woods

February 22, 2010

I am honored today to speak for the greatest, most powerful and God-fearing creatures who have yet graced the earth, the white American male. For three months now we have been in the throes of moral outrage because Tiger Woods, after years of profitably portraying himself as a dedicated and monogamous family man, was revealed…

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Reversing Elin and Tiger Woods

December 21, 2009

Beautiful Elin Woods, the Athlete of the Decade and, perhaps more significantly, the most compelling entertainer on earth, remains in isolation and is quite depressed.  One understands why.  For thirteen years, until the early and dangerous hours after Thanksgiving Day, Elin had stridden the world’s golf courses as unrivalled queen, and her corporate dominance was…

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How Tiger Woods Should Respond

December 9, 2009

Until recent revelations of my weakness for young white female flesh, and the overwhelming moral outrage that followed, I thought in a sexual sense I was a relatively normal guy, that is one ready to squeeze any appealing woman who beckoned.  Now, sadly, after reading countless rabid condemnations in the press and blogosphere and cringing…

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Management Teams Clarifies Adventures of Tiger Woods

November 29, 2009

Bulletins from TigerWoods.com Saturday November 28, 11:30 a.m. It is untrue that Tiger Woods is having an affair with a striking New York City celebrity chaser, Rachel Uchitel, and therefore it is a lie that his wife Elin attacked him for so doing.  About 2:25 a.m. Friday November 27, after failing to properly digest turkey…

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Tabulating Tiger Woods

April 24, 2008

More than a decade of launching missiles from the tee, targeting the green with long irons, battering the pin with approach shots, chipping close from the rough, nailing putts long and short on greens flat and undulating around the globe, pumping his fist, intimidating opponents, and forging preposterous victories – by 15 strokes in a…

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