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Category Archives: Tiger Woods

He’s Tiger Again

I don’t know Tiger Woods personally. Like millions I’ve instead for a generation enjoyed his mastery on golf courses and felt emotionally connected to his seventy-nine career victories, many dominant and all exciting. I’ve also winced as he struggled with personal problems and a series of injuries and surgeries and wondered if he’d ever walk […]

Also posted in Golf, Justin Rose, Rory McIlroy

Tiger Woods on the Prowl

Few in any sport have exerted the gravitational pull of red-shirted Tiger Woods on championship Sundays. For twelve years he dominated the landscape, shooting eighteen under par to demolish the field in his first professional Masters, inventing the Tiger Slam, an unprecedented four straight majors over two seasons, and seizing fourteen majors and dozens of […]

Also posted in Brooks Koepka, Golf, Infidelity, Jack Nicklaus, Sex

Golfing with Shinzo and Donald

I’ve caddied for many of the greatest golfers in history, packing Tiger Woods’ bag the day he shot sixty-two in an exhibition with Japanese legend Jumbo Ozaki who, despite being almost sixty, fired a hot sixty-seven. Today, I won’t be carrying clubs because our distinguished guests here at Kasumigaseki Country Club – Hideki Matsuyama, fourth […]

Also posted in Donald Trump, Golf, Guns, Hideki Matsuyama, Japan, Kim Jong-Il, Kim Jong-Un, Korea, Nuclear Weapons, Shinzo Abe

Heath Ledger to Tiger Woods

Dear Tiger, I’m not going to preach, from a faraway place, but I’m damn well going to tell you about prescription drug abuse. You may know I’ve been gone more than nine years now, and like you mixed drugs that taken together dramatically increase their effects and stop many young, strong hearts. Choose any statistics […]

Also posted in Drugs, Elvis Presley, Golf, Heath Ledger, Mental Health, Movies

Obama Counters Trump

I was windsurfing like the sleekest of sailboats when an agent on shore radioed a wet-suited agent near my side in the sea that I had to leave heaven and return to reality. Upon arriving at the dock, a new aide rushed up and loudly whispered that President Trump had tweeted I tapped his wires […]

Also posted in Barack Obama, Donald Trump

Tiger’s Many Aches

About fifty years ago a wisecracking Brooklyn-born barber clipping in Sacramento took a yellow newspaper article off his wall, handed it to me, and said, “This is for you. And don’t forget, despite all these injuries he’s got more World Series home runs than anyone. How many does your guy Willie Mays have?” Uncharacteristically, I […]

Also posted in Alcohol, Baseball, Golf, Jack Nicklaus, Jason Day, Johann Sebastian Bach, Jordan Spieth, Ludwig van Beethoven, Mickey Mantle, Rory McIlroy, Willie Mays, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

Golf Course Braces for Wild High School Reunion

Sacramento, CA – Officials at scenic Ancil Hoffman Golf Course, which stretches along the American River east of town, issued an emergency decree this morning after police informed them that a (publicly-unnamed) suburban high school, notorious for its rowdy alumni, plans next week to attack the links with ten foursomes celebrating forty years of parole […]

Also posted in Alcohol, American River, Education, Golf, Sacramento

Time to Pay College Athletes

This story is in the collection “Basketball and Football”

Also posted in Basketball, Football, Golf, Heisman Trophy, Lebron James, Media, Michael Jackson, Movies, Music, NCAA, Newspapers, Racism, Radio, Reggie Bush, Shirley Temple, Stevie Wonder, USC

Hypocrites Still Attacking Tiger Woods

I am honored today to speak for the greatest, most powerful and God-fearing creatures who have yet graced the earth, the white American male. For three months now we have been in the throes of moral outrage because Tiger Woods, after years of profitably portraying himself as a dedicated and monogamous family man, was revealed […]

Also posted in Golf, Marriage, Sex

Reversing Elin and Tiger Woods

Beautiful Elin Woods, the Athlete of the Decade and, perhaps more significantly, the most compelling entertainer on earth, remains in isolation and is quite depressed.  One understands why.  For thirteen years, until the early and dangerous hours after Thanksgiving Day, Elin had stridden the world’s golf courses as unrivalled queen, and her corporate dominance was […]

Also posted in Golf, Marriage, Sex

How Tiger Woods Should Respond

Until recent revelations of my weakness for young white female flesh, and the overwhelming moral outrage that followed, I thought in a sexual sense I was a relatively normal guy, that is one ready to squeeze any appealing woman who beckoned.  Now, sadly, after reading countless rabid condemnations in the press and blogosphere and cringing […]

Also posted in Golf, Marriage, Sex

Management Teams Clarifies Adventures of Tiger Woods

Bulletins from TigerWoods.com Saturday November 28, 11:30 a.m. It is untrue that Tiger Woods is having an affair with a striking New York City celebrity chaser, Rachel Uchitel, and therefore it is a lie that his wife Elin attacked him for so doing.  About 2:25 a.m. Friday November 27, after failing to properly digest turkey […]

Also posted in Golf, Marriage, Sex

Tabulating Tiger Woods

More than a decade of launching missiles from the tee, targeting the green with long irons, battering the pin with approach shots, chipping close from the rough, nailing putts long and short on greens flat and undulating around the globe, pumping his fist, intimidating opponents, and forging preposterous victories – by 15 strokes in a […]

Also posted in Golf