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Category Archives: Golf

Tiger’s Green Jacket

I can’t sleep. I’d get up and do something if I could but my back’s too sore. It hurts all the time. I’ll take another pain pill or two. I’ll take whatever’s necessary to quit hurting. I think my mind hurts more than my back. What I’ve got to do is quit thinking. This all […]

Also posted in Brooks Koepka, Drugs, Infidelity, Marriage, Masters Tournament, Sex, Tiger Woods

He’s Tiger Again

I don’t know Tiger Woods personally. Like millions I’ve instead for a generation enjoyed his mastery on golf courses and felt emotionally connected to his seventy-nine career victories, many dominant and all exciting. I’ve also winced as he struggled with personal problems and a series of injuries and surgeries and wondered if he’d ever walk […]

Also posted in Justin Rose, Rory McIlroy, Tiger Woods

Trump Swings in Kern County

Donald Trump is visiting Republican hotbed Bakersfield where native son and House majority leader Kevin McCarthy hosts him. After thrilling a crowd of believers downtown, Trump says, “Kevin, it’s hotter than hell. Is it any better up in those hills I can barely see?” “Sure, Tehachapi’s a lot cooler and you can breathe.” “Let’s go.” […]

Also posted in Basketball, Cesar Chavez, Donald Trump, Kern County, Kevin McCarthy, Tehachapi

Tiger Woods on the Prowl

Few in any sport have exerted the gravitational pull of red-shirted Tiger Woods on championship Sundays. For twelve years he dominated the landscape, shooting eighteen under par to demolish the field in his first professional Masters, inventing the Tiger Slam, an unprecedented four straight majors over two seasons, and seizing fourteen majors and dozens of […]

Also posted in Brooks Koepka, Infidelity, Jack Nicklaus, Sex, Tiger Woods

Trump Turnberry

I love playing beautiful golf courses especially when they bear my name. Today I’m by the sea at Trump Turnberry in Scotland and ignoring orange-faced weirdos who’re jealous I’m the most powerful man in the world and just roughed up some of their Europeans leaders in Brussels. Today, I’m really having a great time. Turnberry’s […]

Also posted in Angela Merkel, Barack Obama, Donald Trump, Iran, Korea, NATO, Scotland, Syria, Theresa May, Vladimir Putin

Golfing with Shinzo and Donald

I’ve caddied for many of the greatest golfers in history, packing Tiger Woods’ bag the day he shot sixty-two in an exhibition with Japanese legend Jumbo Ozaki who, despite being almost sixty, fired a hot sixty-seven. Today, I won’t be carrying clubs because our distinguished guests here at Kasumigaseki Country Club – Hideki Matsuyama, fourth […]

Also posted in Donald Trump, Guns, Hideki Matsuyama, Japan, Kim Jong-Il, Kim Jong-Un, Korea, Nuclear Weapons, Shinzo Abe, Tiger Woods

Trump Aces Lady Golfers

Can you believe my fake news enemies wanted to steal the women’s U.S. Open championship from me and my Trump National Golf Club in New Jersey? They said the president shouldn’t benefit by having a major tournament played on his golf course and it would be inappropriate since they claim I’m not always a gentleman […]

Also posted in Donald Trump, Donald Trump Jr., Health, Iraq, Kim Jong-Un, Korea, Nuclear Weapons, Russia

Heath Ledger to Tiger Woods

Dear Tiger, I’m not going to preach, from a faraway place, but I’m damn well going to tell you about prescription drug abuse. You may know I’ve been gone more than nine years now, and like you mixed drugs that taken together dramatically increase their effects and stop many young, strong hearts. Choose any statistics […]

Also posted in Drugs, Elvis Presley, Heath Ledger, Mental Health, Movies, Tiger Woods

Gable on the Links

On a hot summer afternoon in the early sixties I’m standing on the green of a Sacramento public golf course and preparing to line up my putt when I glance right of the green at the maintenance man carrying a long sprinkler head. He’s sweating and looks tired and gray like Clark Gable did before […]

Also posted in Clark Gable, Movies, Sacramento

Fidel Calls Trump

I generally ignore tweets but an aide excitedly brings me this: “Fidel Castro is dead.” I’m not surprised Donald Trump is celebrating my reported departure, though I think it’s unseemly for imminent heads of state to publicly gloat about the passing of peers, so I tell the young man, “Bring me my phone.” I should’ve […]

Also posted in Barack Obama, Cuba, Donald Trump, Fidel Castro, Fulgencio Batista, Ivanka Trump, Raul Castro, Trump University

Bay Area Delights

Don’t you love the Bay Area? It’s the greatest megalopolis on earth, featuring the Pacific Ocean and San Francisco Bay and wooded hills surrounding blue water and boats and ominous Alcatraz and the Golden Gate and Bay Bridge, and there are all the major league sports and concerts and countless museums and parks and universities […]

Also posted in Carmel, Central Valley, Clint Eastwood, Cypress Point, Football, Gabby Douglas, Gymnastics, Homeless, Nastia Liukin, Painters, Pebble Beach, San Jose, Santa Cruz, Simone Biles, Spyglass Hill, Stanford University, Tom Hanks

Tiger’s Many Aches

About fifty years ago a wisecracking Brooklyn-born barber clipping in Sacramento took a yellow newspaper article off his wall, handed it to me, and said, “This is for you. And don’t forget, despite all these injuries he’s got more World Series home runs than anyone. How many does your guy Willie Mays have?” Uncharacteristically, I […]

Also posted in Alcohol, Baseball, Jack Nicklaus, Jason Day, Johann Sebastian Bach, Jordan Spieth, Ludwig van Beethoven, Mickey Mantle, Rory McIlroy, Tiger Woods, Willie Mays, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

Crazy Return to Golf

I didn’t know whether to blame Jason Day or Davis Love so I rebuked both for casting a curse I thought would never return. Only in hindsight did I realize I should’ve blamed myself. I’d chosen not to write or go out and do something fun on a recent Sunday, and instead reclined on the […]

Also posted in Bakersfield, George Thomas Clark, Marriage, Weather

Readers Delighted by Ace

I’m thrilled scores of readers wrote about recent account of my hole in one. They wanted tips. How do I hit ball so straight, not only on par threes but with big stick off tees? How do I knock putts straight into holes? I didn’t write or even imply I did those things but realize […]

Also posted in Short Pieces - GTC

Lost Ball

Hector hated playing alone. His bad eyes couldn’t track even orange ball, and he refused to wear glasses or contact lenses. He wanted surgery but instead spent money traveling to play best courses. No one was available afternoon he teed off in mountains surrounding course. He usually found ball if hit down middle. On cliff […]

Also posted in Eyes, Short Pieces - GTC

Golf Course Braces for Wild High School Reunion

Sacramento, CA – Officials at scenic Ancil Hoffman Golf Course, which stretches along the American River east of town, issued an emergency decree this morning after police informed them that a (publicly-unnamed) suburban high school, notorious for its rowdy alumni, plans next week to attack the links with ten foursomes celebrating forty years of parole […]

Also posted in Alcohol, American River, Education, Sacramento, Tiger Woods

John Boehner on the Tee

This story is from the collection “Obama on Edge”

Also posted in Barack Obama, Drugs, John Boehner, Lobbyists, Republicans, Tobacco

Time to Pay College Athletes

This story is in the collection “Basketball and Football”

Also posted in Basketball, Football, Heisman Trophy, Lebron James, Media, Michael Jackson, Movies, Music, NCAA, Newspapers, Racism, Radio, Reggie Bush, Shirley Temple, Stevie Wonder, Tiger Woods, USC

Hypocrites Still Attacking Tiger Woods

I am honored today to speak for the greatest, most powerful and God-fearing creatures who have yet graced the earth, the white American male. For three months now we have been in the throes of moral outrage because Tiger Woods, after years of profitably portraying himself as a dedicated and monogamous family man, was revealed […]

Also posted in Marriage, Sex, Tiger Woods

Reversing Elin and Tiger Woods

Beautiful Elin Woods, the Athlete of the Decade and, perhaps more significantly, the most compelling entertainer on earth, remains in isolation and is quite depressed.  One understands why.  For thirteen years, until the early and dangerous hours after Thanksgiving Day, Elin had stridden the world’s golf courses as unrivalled queen, and her corporate dominance was […]

Also posted in Marriage, Sex, Tiger Woods

How Tiger Woods Should Respond

Until recent revelations of my weakness for young white female flesh, and the overwhelming moral outrage that followed, I thought in a sexual sense I was a relatively normal guy, that is one ready to squeeze any appealing woman who beckoned.  Now, sadly, after reading countless rabid condemnations in the press and blogosphere and cringing […]

Also posted in Marriage, Sex, Tiger Woods

Management Teams Clarifies Adventures of Tiger Woods

Bulletins from TigerWoods.com Saturday November 28, 11:30 a.m. It is untrue that Tiger Woods is having an affair with a striking New York City celebrity chaser, Rachel Uchitel, and therefore it is a lie that his wife Elin attacked him for so doing.  About 2:25 a.m. Friday November 27, after failing to properly digest turkey […]

Also posted in Marriage, Sex, Tiger Woods

Tabulating Tiger Woods

More than a decade of launching missiles from the tee, targeting the green with long irons, battering the pin with approach shots, chipping close from the rough, nailing putts long and short on greens flat and undulating around the globe, pumping his fist, intimidating opponents, and forging preposterous victories – by 15 strokes in a […]

Also posted in Tiger Woods