fbpx

Category Archives: Campaign 2020

Pallid Peewees

Born in New Hampshire and raised in Iowa I’m proud as hell the fine folks of my tiny states, second and fourth whitest in America, have such great influence at the start of presidential primaries. We’ve only got about one point three million citizens in the Granite State but ninety percent are the right color […]

Also posted in Donald Trump, Iowa, New Hampshire, Population

Trump Irritated by Democrat Debate

What a ridiculous debate, just like the one the night before. The Democrats don’t have anyone with remotely my star power. But that’s not their biggest problem. With their crazy policies, they couldn’t beat me if they nominated George Washington. Right away the candidates started arguing about who’d be better at spending trillions of dollars […]

Also posted in Donald Trump, Environment, Julian Castro, Kamala Harris, Nuclear Weapons, Tulsi Gabbard

Daughter Debates Dad

Our flat screen shows a wide stage containing ten eager presidential candidates. “Daddy, what’s a Hickenlooper?” asks my daughter. “That’s a former governor of Colorado,” I say. “What’s he doing in California?” “They’re in Detroit for a debate.” “Why?” “They’re trying to become president of the United States.” “Who’s going to win?” Jabbing my index […]

Also posted in Bernie Sanders, Donald Trump, Elizabeth Warren, Families, Joe Biden

Casting Director Watches Second Debate

Blessed with the insight of a soothsayer and the power of a kingmaker, I have many times selected the best stars for classic roles. I said cast Humphrey Bogart instead of Ronald Reagan in Casablanca. I picked John F. Kennedy over Richard Nixon. I decreed that Reagan replace Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton topple George […]

Also posted in Bernie Sanders, Donald Trump, Ivanka Trump, Joe Biden, Kamala Harris, Pete Buttigieg

Trump Analyzes First Debate

I’m busy defending freedom and building the greatest economy ever but know you’ll be fascinated by my opinions of the communist party’s first presidential debate. They have twenty stooges running, and ten are standing on stage tonight. Wait, is Julian Castro standing? He’s even shorter than schoolmarm Elizabeth Warren. The guy ought to wear high […]

Also posted in Cory Booker, Donald Trump, Elizabeth Warren, John Bolton, Julian Castro, Mike Pompeo, Tulsi Gabbard

Bashing Biden

Sure, I’d listen to people from another country if they said they had important information about my political enemies. Don’t bother moralizing. You wouldn’t call the FBI, either. Stakes are too high. I’m not only making us great and guarding against terrorists, I’m fighting a very dangerous guy at home. Actually, Joe Biden would only […]

Also posted in Abortion, China, Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, Iowa, Joe Biden, Nikolai Lenin, Trade

Trump Assesses the Democratic Candidates

I love democracy or I’d say cancel the 2020 election because all the Democrats are children compared to me and I’m going to win easily. Go ahead. Throw me some names and I’ll explain. Joe Biden – Can’t believe this wimp threatened to punch me because of my popularity with women. Look what’s happening. Even […]

Also posted in Amy Klobuchar, Bernie Sanders, Cory Booker, Donald Trump, Elizabeth Warren, Iran, Joe Biden, Joseph McCarthy, Julian Castro, Kamala Harris, Pete Buttigieg, Roy Cohn, Tulsi Gabbard

Trump Counterpunches Mitt Romney

Oh, Christ, here comes Mr. Holy Pants, Mitt Romney, a freshman senator arriving in the town I own and craving the job I have, and right away he writes a column for the Washington Post, complaining I lack the character and knowledge to be president. He believes I don’t “demonstrate the essential qualities of honesty […]

Also posted in Barack Obama, Campaign 2016, Donald Trump, James Mattis, John Kelly, Mitt Romney

Trump Surge

hey hope you’ve noticed my approval’s back over forty percent and people like my economy and jobs and tax cuts so you tell me which demo can beat me in three years

Also posted in Donald Trump, Economics, Employment