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Category Archives: Melania Trump

Calling Home

Excited as a Little Leaguer who just hit the winning grand slam, President Trump dances into his office at Walter Reed, strokes the screen for his cell phone contacts, and touches: Melania. “Can’t wait,” he says to a couple of secret service agents pressing their backs against the far wall. The phone keeps ringing. “Would’ve […]

Also posted in Coronavirus, Donald Trump, Joe Biden

Tweets from Walter Reed

Don’t worry. I bet you know. I’m already feeling great Sunday and tweeting up a storm from my makeshift executive office in Walter Reed National Military Medical Center. Look at my latest tweet, just seconds ago, “US election poll: Trump BEATING Biden despite being in hospital with covid.” This comes from an important British monthly […]

Also posted in Chris Christie, Coronavirus, Donald Trump, Joe Biden, Kellyanne Conway

Get Well Soon

I dial the special number direct to a White House communications officer who promptly rings the Oval Office phone of the president. “President Trump, this is Tom Clark. How are you doing?” “Tom who?” asks Trump. “Clark.” “I’ve barely heard of you and don’t like what you write about me. I’d rather hear from Tom […]

Also posted in Coronavirus, Donald Trump, George Thomas Clark, Hope Hicks, Joe Biden

Here Comes Melania

Oh boy. This is going to be great. I’ve always wanted to meet her but frankly thought I’d never have a chance. Only rich and brilliant winners like Donald J. Trump get to be with women as pretty as Melania. That injustice changed just minutes ago with the arrival of the best text message I’ve […]

Also posted in Donald Trump, Donald Trump Jr., Kevin McCarthy

Tom & Jesse Podcast #2 – Campaign 2020, Kobe Bryant

Tom and Jesse Podcast #2 – In today’s podcast we talk about the presidential primary, Donald’s Trump’s upcoming visit to Bakersfield, Melania’s emergence as a fundraiser, the coronavirus, and we remember Kobe Bryant. CLICK HERE FOR PODCAST

Also posted in Amy Klobuchar, Barack Obama, Bernie Sanders, Donald Trump, Joe Biden, Kobe Bryant, Pete Buttigieg, South Carolina, Tom & Jesse Podcast

Love in Dayton and El Paso

Donald Trump, clad in a red bathrobe, tiptoes down the long hall of the White House private quarters and knocks on a closed door he tries to open. It’s locked. “Melania, hurry up, almost time to go,” he says, placing his lips to the door. “I’m not going, Donald.” “You have to.” “You do. I […]

Also posted in Barack Obama, Dayton, Donald Trump, El Paso, Fox News, Guns, Immigration, Missiles, Murder, Racism

Trump’s Happy Tweeter

Real early this morning after another night alone I reach into my pants, grab my tweeter, and shoot too bad Robert Mueller has to subject himself to sadistic Democrats who blew two years and thirty million bucks on a phony investigation led by a guy even Michael Moore soon admits is a frail old man […]

Also posted in Donald Trump, Robert Mueller, Russia, Sex

Call from Above

Pushing the telephone at her husband, she says, “Donald, John McCain wants to speak to you.” “Knock it off, Melania.” She puts the phone to her ear and listens again. “He insists, Donald.” “I don’t like pranks,” he says, taking the phone. “Who the hell’s this? You want the secret service on your tail.” “Look […]

Also posted in Barack Obama, Cancer, Donald Trump, Health, Insurance, John McCain, Vietnam

Melania Defends LeBron James

Soaring through the heavens in mighty Air Force One, President Donald Trump grabs his tweeter and writes, “LeBron James was just interviewed by the dumbest man on television, Don Lemon. He made LeBron look smart, which isn’t easy to do. I like Mike!” Two minutes later, grim and squeezing her pink tweeter, Melania Trump rushes […]

Also posted in Basketball, CNN, Donald Trump, Education, Fox News, Lebron James, Marriage

Trump Pumps White Fertility

Worried and nervous but with hope I turn on my television to watch President Donald Trump, wearing pajamas in the White House presidential bedroom, speak about our national crisis. “Sometimes I wish I had a way to address an all-white audience,” he says. “If you’re nonwhite I can’t prevent you from listening but be forewarned […]

Also posted in Birth Control, Donald Trump, Population

Melania’s Jacket

I’m a model who understands the power of clothes and nudity, and know the latter pays better. Still, I must wear clothes to the border. After thinking about it quite a while, I select a green jacket showing white words in back, “I really don’t care. Do u?” Of course I’m not referring to children […]

Also posted in Central America, Donald Trump, Immigration, Mexico

Trump Tough in Minnesota

I’ve come to Minnesota to get away from this border hassle. Don’t lecture me about kids. I’ve got five and they’re all really great, especially Ivanka. I’m concerned about kids everywhere. That’s my job as most powerful hombre in the world. All along I’ve been worried about kids getting split up from their parents on […]

Also posted in Donald Trump, El Salvador, Honduras, Immigration, Ivanka Trump, Mexico

Against the Wall

Waving for his aide to sit down, the dapper man in Los Pinos squeezed a phone and dialed about twenty numbers, waiting while the White House phone rang. “Hello,” said a woman. “This is President Peña Nieto. Who’s this?” “Melania.” “Please let me speak to President Trump.” “What country are you from?” “Mexico.” “Oh, you’re […]

Also posted in Cocaine, Donald Trump, Drugs, Enrique Pena Nieto, Immigration, Murder

The Inaugural Speech

I am today honored to stand before the impoverished and miserable people of the United States and take my rightful place as a successor to George Washington and Abraham Lincoln. I too shall be your savior and forever protect you from people like the four failures sitting behind me on this executive stage. President Jimmy […]

Also posted in Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, Donald Trump, George W. Bush, Ivanka Trump, Jimmy Carter