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Category Archives: James Mattis

Trump Counterpunches Mitt Romney

Oh, Christ, here comes Mr. Holy Pants, Mitt Romney, a freshman senator arriving in the town I own and craving the job I have, and right away he writes a column for the Washington Post, complaining I lack the character and knowledge to be president. He believes I don’t “demonstrate the essential qualities of honesty […]

Also posted in Barack Obama, Campaign 2016, Campaign 2020, Donald Trump, John Kelly, Mitt Romney

James Mattis Writes to Trump

Dear Mr. President, You have the right to a secretary of defense who, like you, does not understand that “our strength as a nation is inextricably linked to the strength of our unique and comprehensive system of alliances.” You have the right, no matter how shortsighted and crude, to disrespect and even insult our traditional […]

Also posted in China, Donald Trump, Europe, Korea, Nuclear Weapons, Russia

James Mattis Moderates John Bolton

Dr. Harrison didn’t get drunk on fine wines at the party for powerbrokers in Washington, D.C. that recent night but did consume enough to hand the keys to his wife, after only brief debate, and rode shotgun, singing his alma mater’s fight song. At home he again acceded in gentlemanly fashion and, still clothed except […]

Also posted in Bashar al-Assad, Chemical Weapons, Donald Trump, Iran, Iraq, John Bolton, Kim Jong-Un, Korea, Nuclear Weapons, Syria

Stalin Assesses Syria

I love my giant TV in the sky and hotlines to hell where you still dwell. No longer do I have to worry about the deadly schemes of millions of enemies internal and external and my stressful duty of arresting, torturing, and slaughtering them. Those tasks now fall to others, in many nations, and I’m […]

Also posted in Bashar al-Assad, Donald Trump, Jose Abeto Zaide, Joseph Stalin, Missiles, Nuclear Weapons, Russia, Syria, Timber Sycamore, Vlade Divac

Heart of Trump

For a year and a half I’ve been disturbed by what Donald Trump’s been saying, and since his Electoral College victory over Hillary Clinton I’ve at times been mortified by his hot pie hole and big tweeter. Only this week have I learned, from Kellyanne Conway, that I shouldn’t have believed what he said, I […]

Also posted in Donald Trump, Mike Pompeo, Rex Tillerson, Russia, Vladamir Putin

General Mattis Meets Trump

James Mattis, three years retired after more than four decades as a marine, shakes hands with Donald Trump. “I’m very pleased to meet you, General.” “A marine’s always honored to meet his commander.” “I’ve heard you own seven thousand books. Is that true?” “Yes, the longer I study war and history, the more I damage […]

Also posted in Books, Department of Defense, Donald Trump, Marines