Category Archives: Ivanka Trump

Casting Director Watches Second Debate

Blessed with the insight of a soothsayer and the power of a kingmaker, I have many times selected the best stars for classic roles. I said cast Humphrey Bogart instead of Ronald Reagan in Casablanca. I picked John F. Kennedy over Richard Nixon. I decreed that Reagan replace Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton topple George […]

Also posted in Bernie Sanders, Campaign 2020, Donald Trump, Joe Biden, Kamala Harris, Pete Buttigieg

Google Trump

Standing next to his computer in the Oval Office, Donald Trump declares, “It’s a disgrace Google rigs search results to show bad stories about me when users search Trump News. You know that can’t be right. Liberal fake news organizations like the Washington Post and CNN always pop onscreen while the fair conservative news media […]

Also posted in Bing, CNN, Donald Trump, Google, Larry Page, Sergey Brin, Washington Post, Yahoo

Does Donald Trump Always Pay?

From his desk in the Oval Office, President Trump hollers, “Ivanka, that bastard published the same article again.” She hurries into the room. “Which one?” “The guy from USA Today who says I don’t pay lots of people who worked for me.” “Here, Dad, let’s print out a copy and review the accusations.” Trump reclines […]

Also posted in Attorneys, Donald Trump, Trump University, USA Today

Trump Tough in Minnesota

I’ve come to Minnesota to get away from this border hassle. Don’t lecture me about kids. I’ve got five and they’re all really great, especially Ivanka. I’m concerned about kids everywhere. That’s my job as most powerful hombre in the world. All along I’ve been worried about kids getting split up from their parents on […]

Also posted in Donald Trump, El Salvador, Honduras, Immigration, Melania Trump, Mexico

What’s a Samantha Bee

from around the nation conservative pundits call to ask why i haven’t denounced samantha bee who’s she the unfunny comedian who c-worded ivanka trump four letters right then that’s what samantha bee is

Also posted in Donald Trump, Samantha Bee

Kushner and Bannon

“I know you’re just thrilled the president banished me from National Security Council meetings,” says Steve Bannon. Standing several feet away, Jared Kushner examines the eminent advisor. “I’m also certain you’re very proud to be the son-in-law of the most powerful man in the world. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be here. You inherited wealth from your […]

Also posted in Donald Trump, Jared Kushner, Steve Bannon

Empathetic Trump

I know some of you feel I lack empathy and have been calling me a narcissist, and that’s really unfair. As your president I’m up every night, tweeting and worrying about my most important priority, your safety and well-being. I also want to help people around the world. Inevitably, I think a lot about the […]

Also posted in Bashar al-Assad, Donald Trump, ISIS, Japan, Korea, Syria

The Inaugural Speech

I am today honored to stand before the impoverished and miserable people of the United States and take my rightful place as a successor to George Washington and Abraham Lincoln. I too shall be your savior and forever protect you from people like the four failures sitting behind me on this executive stage. President Jimmy […]

Also posted in Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, Donald Trump, George W. Bush, Jimmy Carter, Melania Trump

Bonding with Putin

After aides set up the call, Donald Trump grabs his phone and says, “Thank you so much, Vladimir.” “My pleasure, Donald.” “Don’t worry. When I take over, the United States will improve relations with Russia.” “I hope so. The American media persists in portraying me as a bullying dictator determined to restore the power similar […]

Also posted in Barack Obama, Donald Trump, Repert Murdoch, Russia, Vladimir Putin

Fidel Calls Trump

I generally ignore tweets but an aide excitedly brings me this: “Fidel Castro is dead.” I’m not surprised Donald Trump is celebrating my reported departure, though I think it’s unseemly for imminent heads of state to publicly gloat about the passing of peers, so I tell the young man, “Bring me my phone.” I should’ve […]

Also posted in Barack Obama, Cuba, Donald Trump, Fidel Castro, Fulgencio Batista, Golf, Raul Castro, Trump University

Picking the Right Trump

This story is from the rousing campaign book “King Donald”

Also posted in Campaign 2016, Donald Trump, Eric Trump, Guns, Murder