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Category Archives: Donald Trump

Mohammed bin Salman Swears

ignore preposterous cia claims i ordered murder and dismemberment of comrade jamal khashoggi i have real culprits in custody and five will be decapitated after receiving fair trail

Also posted in CIA, Jamal Khashoggi, Jared Kushner, Mohammed bin Salman, Saudi Arabia, Turkey

My Midterm Victories

Who’s Matt Whitaker? I guess I met him a dozen times this fall and said he’s a great guy but that doesn’t mean we’re friends. I do know he believes the Mueller investigation has gone too far and that attorney general Jeff Sessions needed to be removed in favor of someone who’d cut Mueller’s budget […]

Also posted in Florida, Jeff Sessions, Matt Whitaker, North Dakota

Trump Tweets Golden State

shape up california you’re burning billions of federal dollars and still can’t fight deadly fires only way i can teach you is to cut off funding and warn you to quit calling me ignorant

Also posted in California, Fires

Thousand Oaks Nightmare

former marine throws smoke grenades into thousand oaks nightclub and opens fire again compelling responsible citizens to ask why is anyone allowed to own extra-capacity magazines and other weapons of mass destruction

Also posted in Guns, Mental Health, Murder, NRA

Trump on Election Day

I’m up early because I couldn’t sleep last night after Sean Hannity shined my butt at an election rally and now my tweeter’s hotter than ever telling patriots this Republican candidate’s great and that one’s wonderful and those others are important and it’s vital to get out and vote because my name is really the […]

Also posted in Economics, Employment, Fox News, Immigration, Kim Jong-Un, Korea, Mexico, Russia, Sean Hannity, Vladimir Putin

Trump Mobilizes

As Latin American hordes march toward our borders I every day feel more like Abraham Lincoln and Franklin Roosevelt, two other presidents who faced threats that could’ve destroyed our nation. And like those heroic presidents, I am responding with bravery and vigor. I’m mobilizing our troops for war. At first I thought five thousand soldiers […]

Also posted in Abraham Lincoln, Central America, Franklin Roosevelt, Immigration, Mexico

Jair Bolsonaro Seizes Brazil

Brazilians love me and several weeks ago thousands at a rally were carrying me toward victory when a deranged man crept through the masses, lunged, and stabbed me in the abdomen. I grimaced but otherwise remained calm, as people would expect of a former military officer, and soon I realized the wound, though serious, was […]

Also posted in Brazil, Europe, Jair Bolsonaro, South America

Trump Timing

it’s only a coincidence i’m sending five thousand troops to the border the day before midterm elections

Also posted in Immigration, Mexico

Slaughter in the Synagogue

I bet you haven’t heard of Gab.com but you should. This website is committed “to defend free expression and liberty online for all people.” Facebook and Twitter are afraid to do that. They deny the truth, which is that most of the world doesn’t want white people to survive. I’m not afraid to say and […]

Also posted in Adolf Hitler, Auschwitz, Central America, Gab.com, Holocaust, Immigration, Jews, Murder, NRA, Pittsburgh, Robert Bowers, Terrorism

NRA Praises AR-15 Rifle

(This column was originally posted in February 2018 after the slaughter at Parkland High School in Florida. The AR-15 was the mass murderer’s weapon of choice. Yesterday, Saturday October 27, 2018, another killer selected an AR-15 before he entered a synagogue in Pittsburgh. It has become the madman’s favorite weapon. There are many issues about […]

Also posted in Guns, Murder

Meet Cesar Sayoc

Uufff. Just one more set. Got to keep my muscles big and bigger so I can be a stripper or, more likely in my fifties, a bouncer. I’m a tough guy. I know about wrestling and mixed martial arts. I haven’t been using those skills recently, though, because I’m a witty guy and been working […]

Also posted in Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, Bombs, Cesar Sayac, Eric Holder, George Soros, Hillary Clinton, Robert De Niro, Terrorism

Rush Limbaugh Speaks

I love being fat and famous and talking out of my ass. Listen. We just don’t do this. Republicans don’t make bombs and mail them to enemies of freedom like Obama and the Clintons and CNN. That’s the low-rent style of liberal conspirators desperate to smear conservatives before the midterms.

Also posted in Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, CNN, Radio, Rush Limbaugh

Everyone’s Crazy

We’re all lucky Trump enters politics and tells us Barack Obama was born in Kenya and is quite different and ruining the country with Obamacare and debt and Bill Clinton’s a sexual predator and we should lock up Crooked Hillary and that CNN and others are fake news, look right over there he points at […]

Also posted in Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, Brett Kavanaugh, China, George Soros, Hillary Clinton, Iran, Maxine Waters, Nuclear Weapons, Russia

Lopez Obrador Calls Trump

(This morning President-elect Lopez Obrador of Mexico called President Trump. On a third line I served as translator.) Andres Manuel Lopez Obrador – President Trump, please don’t do anything rash before we’ve had time to meet. Donald Trump – Thanks for calling but let’s keep in mind you’re not the president yet and won’t be […]

Also posted in Andres Manuel Lopez Obrador, El Salvador, Guatemala, Honduras, Immigration, Mexico

Stop That Caravan

(Last night I visited the White House to talk to President Trump about immigration. He offered ten minutes and demanded I not ask him about Saudi Arabia. I agreed.) Donald Trump – You’ve read my tweets. Everybody reads them. There’s a caravan of four thousand migrant criminals from Honduras, El Salvador, and Guatemala headed this […]

Also posted in Barack Obama, El Salvador, Guatemala, Honduras, Immigration, Mexico, Saudi Arabia

Mohammed bin Salman Explains

I’m mad as can be at some of my generals, advisers, security agents, consular secretaries, and others. Their recent incompetence has temporarily tarnished my stellar reputation. I would’ve cleared up this whole mess two weeks ago if these rogues hadn’t deceived me. First they told me Jamal Khashoggi rapidly took care of his fiancé-related paperwork […]

Also posted in Istanbul, Jamal Khashoggi, Mohammed bin Salman, Saudi Arabia, Turkey

A Note to the Saudi Arabian Embassy in Washington, D.C.

To the diplomats of Saudi Arabia, Please read with an open mind the five stories I have so far written about the murder of Jamal Khashoggi. I realize in sending you these opinions I’m unlikely to be welcomed in Saudi Arabia or any Saudi embassy or consulate. Jamal Khashoggi file on GeorgeThomasClark.com May the Saudis […]

Also posted in Jamal Khashoggi, Mohammed bin Salman, Saudi Arabia

Trump Update on Khashoggi

I’m just being very fair and careful by not allowing any more of this guilty until proven innocent garbage like happened to Brett Kavanaugh. But don’t forget, I already said we’re going to get to the bottom of this. And we are. The Saudis aren’t going to make a jackass out of me, and liberals […]

Also posted in Brett Kavanaugh, Iran, Jamal Khashoggi, Mohammed bin Salman, Saudi Arabia, Turkey

Smiling in Saudi Arabia

I love being Mike Pompeo because, as secretary of state, I get lots of exciting jobs. Today I’m in Saudi Arabia with young Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman. We’re two husky fellows – don’t call us fat – and we’re very happy and smiling big. We really like each other and we love each other’s […]

Also posted in Iran, Istanbul, Jamal Khashoggi, Mike Pompeo, Mohammed bin Salman, Saudi Arabia, Turkey, Yemen

Saudi Explanation

All right, everybody, I just got off the phone with the King of Saudi Arabia and he flatly denied he has any knowledge of whatever may have happened to his “Saudi Arabian citizen.” He’s trying to help, though, and said he thinks Jamal Khashoggi may have been a victim of fifteen “rogue killers” who flew […]

Also posted in Jamal Khashoggi, Mohammed bin Salman, Saudi Arabia

Fair and Balanced

A little after one p.m. today Fox News is offering the following headlines: Elizabeth Warren’s DNA test mocked… average Native-American link could be stronger Dems poised for historic, post mid-term push to oust Trump if House retaken Democrats prove they are the party of exploiting women Robert De Niro offended by behavior of Trump and […]

Also posted in Alec Baldwin, Elizabeth Warren, Fox News, Robert De Niro

Brian Kemp Defends Democracy

Patriotic Georgians are going to elect this good old boy governor because I’m so conservative I run ads (explosion in background) to blow up government spending. I own lots of guns (see all those behind me and the one I’m cocking) that no one’s taking away. My chain saw’s ready (it starts right away) to […]

Also posted in Barack Obama, Brian Kemp, Georgia, Guns, Stacey Abrams

Trump Calls Jamal Khashoggi

“Is it really him?” asks Donald Trump. “It certainly sounds like the man I’ve often spoken to,” says an unnamed advisor. “Hand me the phone. This is President Trump. Is this really Jamal Khashoggi?” “It is,” says the caller. “Are you all right?” “No, President Trump, I am not.” “There’ve been some pretty bad stories […]

Also posted in Iran, Jamal Khashoggi, Mohammed bin Salman, Yemen

Kavanaugh Begins

I just got sworn onto the Supreme Court and vowed to seek to be a force for stability and unity. The Supreme Court is an institution of law. It is not a partisan or political institution. The Justices do not sit on opposite sides of an aisle. Ken Starr and Donald Trump and my guys […]

Also posted in Bill Clinton, Brett Kavanaugh, Hillary Clinton, Sex, Supreme Court

Kavanaugh Confirmed

God, I’m a rock star like there’s never been and so happy to be your incredible president here in excited Topeka. Hello, Kansas. I know you’re thrilled that this afternoon the Senate confirmed Brett Kavanaugh to the United States Supreme Court and I already signed his commission. He’s a great man and will sit proudly […]

Also posted in Brett Kavanaugh, Kansas, Sex, Supreme Court

Senator Kennedy Bongs Democrats

Democrats who’ve been smoking bongs sometimes ask if I’m President John Kennedy. No, I say, I’m Senator John Kennedy of Louisiana, a righteous and God-fearing Republican, and I want you Demos to sober up and admit that no amount of FBI investigation of Judge Brett Kavanaugh will ever satisfy you. I don’t think some of […]

Also posted in Alcohol, Brett Kavanaugh, Marijuana, Sex, Supreme Court

Trump Thrills Mississippi

I love traveling around this huge country I’ve made great again and speaking to the honest working people who love me and wait hours to get into my rallies. They know I’m one of them even though I’m really rich and have spent most of my life in luxurious places around other wealthy people and […]

Also posted in Brett Kavanaugh, Defense Budget, Economics, Health, Immigration, Memphis, Mississippi, Sex, Supreme Court

The Kavanaugh Defense

Yeah, I liked beer in high school and college. Didn’t you, Senator? No, I never passed out. I just went to sleep. That’s not blacking out. How about you, Senator, do you black out when drinking. Okay, you don’t have a drinking problem and neither do I and I never did. It doesn’t matter that […]

Also posted in American Bar Association, Bill Clinton, Brett Kavanaugh, Lawyers, Sex, Supreme Court

Donald The Defender

Oh, Jesus, here comes another one. First, Christine Blasey Ford says when she was a drunken chick of fifteen Brett Kavanaugh locked her up and groped her at a high school party in a year and house she can’t remember. You know damn well that’s political. And it’s totally political that Deborah Ramirez, another hard-drinker, […]

Also posted in Brett Kavanaugh, New York Times, New Yorker

U.N. Comedian

Standing hefty and happy before the United Nations General Assembly, President Trump says his administration accomplished more in two years than almost any other in our history, evoking much laughter Trump says he didn’t expect. But that’s okay, he’s proud to be an engaging fellow who warns that Iran is a brutal and corrupt regime […]

Also posted in Iran, Nuclear Weapons, United Nations

Trump Defends Kavanaugh

I have to tell you that Brett Kavanaugh is such an outstanding man it’s very hard for me to believe as a drunk teenager he pulled a girl into a bedroom, locked the door, turned up the music, threw her on the bed and jumped on her and tried to pull her clothes off, and […]

Also posted in Attorneys, Brett Kavanaugh, Sex, Supreme Court

Hurricane Donald

I’m always on duty so I can squeeze tweets that give you the most important opinion in the world. Right now as Hurricane Florence batters the Carolinas you need to know I “got A pluses for our recent hurricane work in Texas and Florida” and should have gotten the same in Puerto Rico but the […]

Also posted in Hurricanes, North Carolina, Puerto Rico, South Carolina

Trump Investigates Op-Ed Leaker

Like a water buffalo President Trump marches back and forth in front of top aides in the White House ballroom, waits till he senses fear, and roars, “I’m going to give lie detector tests to every one of you then have you strip searched, whatever it takes to find out who wrote that lying Op-Ed […]

Also posted in New York Times

Trump Swings in Kern County

Donald Trump is visiting Republican hotbed Bakersfield where native son and House majority leader Kevin McCarthy hosts him. After thrilling a crowd of believers downtown, Trump says, “Kevin, it’s hotter than hell. Is it any better up in those hills I can barely see?” “Sure, Tehachapi’s a lot cooler and you can breathe.” “Let’s go.” […]

Also posted in Basketball, Cesar Chavez, Golf, Kern County, Kevin McCarthy, Tehachapi

Google Trump

Standing next to his computer in the Oval Office, Donald Trump declares, “It’s a disgrace Google rigs search results to show bad stories about me when users search Trump News. You know that can’t be right. Liberal fake news organizations like the Washington Post and CNN always pop onscreen while the fair conservative news media […]

Also posted in Bing, CNN, Google, Ivanka Trump, Larry Page, Sergey Brin, Washington Post, Yahoo

Call from Above

Pushing the telephone at her husband, she says, “Donald, John McCain wants to speak to you.” “Knock it off, Melania.” She puts the phone to her ear and listens again. “He insists, Donald.” “I don’t like pranks,” he says, taking the phone. “Who the hell’s this? You want the secret service on your tail.” “Look […]

Also posted in Barack Obama, Cancer, Health, Insurance, John McCain, Melania Trump, Vietnam

Does Donald Trump Always Pay?

From his desk in the Oval Office, President Trump hollers, “Ivanka, that bastard published the same article again.” She hurries into the room. “Which one?” “The guy from USA Today who says I don’t pay lots of people who worked for me.” “Here, Dad, let’s print out a copy and review the accusations.” Trump reclines […]

Also posted in Attorneys, Ivanka Trump, Trump University, USA Today

Trump Counterattacks Cohen

Can you believe that bum Michael Cohen? I virtually pulled him off the streets and hired him as my personal attorney and made him an important part of the Trump organization, the best in the world. He learned how I operated and I trusted him with confidential information for more than ten years. Now he’s […]

Also posted in Barack Obama, Karen McDougal, Michael Cohen, Stormy Daniels

Trump Hosts Manafort and Cohen

Arriving in separate helicopters, two consiglieres shake hands and enter a van that rushes through dark streets and delivers them to the rear of the White House. Four secret service agents escort them inside and up to the private quarters of President Donald Trump. “We gonna have any privacy here?” asks former Trump lawyer and […]

Also posted in Karen McDougal, Michael Cohen, Paul Manafort, Russia, Stormy Daniels, Vladamir Putin

General MacArthur Revisits North Korea

I returned to the Philippines and even returned to the United States after an absence of fourteen years. But, regretfully, I have yet to return to Korea. I saved the Korean people, you’re no doubt aware. Communist hordes from the north, materially aided by the Chinese and Russians, invaded south and almost swept our disorganized […]

Also posted in Douglas MacArthur, Harry Truman, Hiroshima, Kim Jong-Un, Korea, Korean War, Nagasaki, Nuclear Weapons

Omarosa Manigault Writes a Book

I love being on The Apprentice with Donald Trump. We have great chemistry. My beauty and charm energize him and he helps me become rich and famous on TV and later hires me to attract blacks during the presidential campaign and then as Director of African American Outreach in the White House. I’ve got so […]

Also posted in John Kerry, Omarosa Manigault

Melania Defends LeBron James

Soaring through the heavens in mighty Air Force One, President Donald Trump grabs his tweeter and writes, “LeBron James was just interviewed by the dumbest man on television, Don Lemon. He made LeBron look smart, which isn’t easy to do. I like Mike!” Two minutes later, grim and squeezing her pink tweeter, Melania Trump rushes […]

Also posted in Basketball, CNN, Education, Fox News, Lebron James, Marriage, Melania Trump

Trump Reimposes Sanctions

Good morning, America. I stand tall and tough before you to announce I’m reimposing nuclear-related sanctions against Iran. These sanctions had been lifted by the Obama administration and other misguided leaders in Russia, China, Germany, France, Great Britain, and the European Union. Unlike me, they did not realize the Joint Comprehensive Plan of Action is […]

Also posted in China, England, France, Germany, Iran, Nuclear Weapons, Russia

Donald in the Dark

fake news lies i’m worried my wonderful son met with russians to get information on crooked hillary this is done all the time and i didn’t know

Also posted in Donald Trump Jr., Hillary Clinton, Robert Mueller, Russia

The Booming Economy

(These are highlights from my conversation with an economist who graduated from an elite university, served on public policy staffs during the administrations of Richard Nixon and Gerald Ford, and later consulted international businesses.) George Thomas Clark – Okay, I read your recent newspaper columns about economics and foreign policy, respectively. You emphasize what President […]

Also posted in Asia, China, Economics, Employment, Immigration, Mexico, Russia

Pastors Visit White House

Thank you inner city pastors for being black and brown in my White House so I can tell you I’ve cut taxes, reduced regulations, increased American industry, and promoted manufacturing to create almost four million jobs since I was elected, lowering black and Hispanic unemployment rates to lowest levels in recorded history.

Also posted in Employment, Religion

Trump Pumps White Fertility

Worried and nervous but with hope I turn on my television to watch President Donald Trump, wearing pajamas in the White House presidential bedroom, speak about our national crisis. “Sometimes I wish I had a way to address an all-white audience,” he says. “If you’re nonwhite I can’t prevent you from listening but be forewarned […]

Also posted in Birth Control, Melania Trump, Population

Joe Six Pack Reports

I’m excited looking at an email from Team Trump. They need our participation “because we’re close enough to change everything.” And we have to. “Illegal voting in the United States wreaks havoc with elections. Every election… it seems we rarely get our candidates elected.” Damn right “it’s time we do something about this.” Team Trump […]

Also posted in Barack Obama, Economics, Employment, George W. Bush, Guns, Immigration, Iran, Korea, Mexico, Michael Cohen, Nuclear Weapons, Robert Mueller, Russia, Stock Market, Vladimir Putin

Confronting Michael Cohen

Betrayed by his friend and employer Donald Trump, besieged by the media, and hounded by prosecutors, attorney Michael Cohen silently escaped and now endures another solitary night in his New York hideaway, studying mounds of documents he prays the feds won’t discover and listening to explosive tapes only he and Trump know about. Many unpleasant […]

Also posted in Karen McDougal, Michael Cohen, Robert Mueller, Russia, Stormy Daniels

Michael Cohen Explains

trump asks what kind of lawyer records his client cohen responds a lawyer you plan to sacrifice

Also posted in Karen McDougal, Michael Cohen, Russia, Sex, Stormy Daniels

Wild Trump Video

As a Russian intelligence agent and aficionado of good educational TV, I was at first intrigued by excited commentators on CNN and MSNBC who proclaimed they had an audio tape that offered a stunning conversation between Donald Trump and his legal consigliore Michael Cohen. They instead broadcast a barely audible and utterly boring conversation about […]

Also posted in Karen McDougal, Michael Cohen, Pornography, Russia, Sex, Stormy Daniels, Television, Vladamir Putin

Trump Logic

trump claims in midterms russians will push hard for demos they definitely don’t want trump

Also posted in Russia, Vladimir Putin

Trump Caps Rouhani

President Trump’s not screaming. He hopes he isn’t or someone may hear. He’s just having another bad dream. Maybe he wouldn’t have so many if he weren’t so damn lonely. Only losers are lonely. He’s a winner so that can’t be the problem. He’s just under a lot of stress. He starts to relax but […]

Also posted in Hassan Rouhani, Iran, Kim Jong-Un, Korea, Nuclear Weapons

Kim Calls Vladimir Putin

Today, in my secret laboratory, I’m listening in stereophonic sound as Kim Jong Un speaks into a phone and says, “Congratulations on your meeting with Donald Trump.” “Thank you, Chairman Kim,” says Vladimir Putin. “Trump and I communicated quite well, and he’s already invited me to visit him.” “He’s quite eager to be to be […]

Also posted in Kim Jong-Un, Kim Yong Chol, Korea, Mike Pompeo, Nuclear Weapons, Russia, Vladamir Putin

Tough Trump

if diplomacy fails i’ll be putin’s worst nightmare unlike russian patsy obama

Also posted in Barack Obama, NATO, Russia, Vladimir Putin

Trump’s Astonishing Offer

I hope you heard when I recently referred to myself as a genius. You know I am or I wouldn’t have gotten elected and then created millions of jobs and eliminated the danger of nuclear war and done many other great things. But many of you, especially Democrats, are having trouble following my recent moves […]

Also posted in Joseph Stalin, Montenegro, NATO, Nuclear Weapons, Russia, Vladamir Putin

Stalin Summons Trump

This is entirely unfair. While I had to fight that ruthless bastard Adolf Hitler and form an alliance with shrewd but treacherous capitalists Franklin Roosevelt and Winston Churchill, my most celebrated successor, Vladimir Putin, is blessed with a world in which his strongest adversary, Donald Trump, isn’t really his enemy but his most ardent admirer. […]

Also posted in Adolf Hitler, Barack Obama, Iran, Iraq, Joseph Stalin, Korea, Nuclear Weapons, Soviet Union, Ukraine

Vladimir Putin’s Puppy

Smiling big and happy Vladimir Putin, leash in hand, leads Donald Trump, tongue wagging, onto the small stage in Helsinki, bends to unhook the choke chain around his neck, puts a treat in his mouth, and says, “Go stand behind that podium, Donald.” Trump complies, panting, and looks at his master, who says, “Good boy. […]

Also posted in FBI, Hillary Clinton, Robert Mueller, Vladimir Putin

Trump Turnberry

I love playing beautiful golf courses especially when they bear my name. Today I’m by the sea at Trump Turnberry in Scotland and ignoring orange-faced weirdos who’re jealous I’m the most powerful man in the world and just roughed up some of their Europeans leaders in Brussels. Today, I’m really having a great time. Turnberry’s […]

Also posted in Angela Merkel, Barack Obama, Golf, Iran, Korea, NATO, Scotland, Syria, Theresa May, Vladimir Putin

Trump Warns Europeans

Seated at a large table during the summit meeting in Brussels, President Donald Trump crosses his arms in a tight jacket, eyes leaders of NATO nations, and says, “I love Europeans and they love me. My wife is from Slovenia, my mother from Scotland, and my father was conceived in Germany before his parents, no […]

Also posted in Angela Merkel, Crime, England, Germany, Hungary, Immigration, Italy, London, Murder, Navy, Poland, Russia, Theresa May

Trump Interviews Brett Kavanaugh

My White House bed is very lonely. Fortunately, I’m asleep and dreaming about one of my most profound duties as president: nominating a Supreme Court justice. In eight years Clinton, Bush, and Obama each only got to select two. In my year and a half I’m already considering my second pick, and I really like […]

Also posted in Abortion, Al Gore, Attorneys, Bill Clinton, Brett Kavanaugh, George W. Bush, Hillary Clinton, Monica Lewinsky, Robert Mueller, Sean Hannity, Sex, Supreme Court

Senate to The Donald

after trump lands in brussels u.s. senate votes ninety-seven two saying nato’s friend and ally while putin and russia are not

Also posted in Europe, NATO, Russia, Vladimir Putin

President Xi Writes to Trump

Dear President Trump, We will often be communicating about a variety of serious matters. You believe we’re expanding our economic and military reach to benefit ourselves and diminish you, and you’re correct. We think you’re trying to limit our aforementioned plans, and we also are correct. Rather than burden you with a long list of […]

Also posted in China, Economics, Iran, Korea, Shah of Iran, Trade, Xi Jinping

Misperceptions in North Korea

mike pompeo says wish i’d met with kim jong un this trip but north koreans still negotiated in good faith and we made significant progress toward denuclearization north korea says u.s. betrayed singapore spirit making unilateral and gangster-like demands for denuclearization just like trump’s cancerous predecessors

Also posted in Kim Jong-Un, Korea, Mike Pompeo, Nuclear Weapons

Scott Pruitt Pollutes EPA

As attorney general of Oklahoma I shoved environmental fanatics out of my office, buried them somewhere else, and established a special unit to destroy the tree-hugging, jobs-suppressing policies of Barack Hussein Obama. Oil and gas companies knew I was right and contributed more than three hundred grand to my campaigns and applauded each of the […]

Also posted in Barack Obama, Environment, Scott Pruitt

Trump in Newsroom

today’s violence at capital gazette was tragic and evil and i hope you understand killer was mentally ill and not motivated by my attacks on media

Also posted in Media, Murder, Newspapers

Babes Block Trump

trump says he’s gonna select supreme court justice who’ll help overturn roe v wade plenty of gop women say that ain’t gonna happen

Also posted in Abortion

Latin Presidente

harvard harris poll reveals hispanic support for trump up ten percent

Also posted in Employment, Immigration, Mexico

Trump Embraces White Europeans

Have you heard? I hope you have. Lots of European leaders feel just like I do about immigration from the south. They can’t build a wall like mine, but they’d like to. Austrian Chancellor Sebastian Kurz, a bright young guy who’s only thirty-one, wants a Rome-Berlin-Vienna “axis of the willing against illegal immigration.” Okay, maybe […]

Also posted in Austria, Central America, Hungary, Immigration, Italy, Mexico

Trump Meets Lopez Obrador

After sundown at the White House, President Donald Trump climbs into a laundry truck and in utmost secrecy rides to an undisclosed airport where he boards Air Force One and flies to an unnamed airstrip near the Rio Grande. He then overrules agents and drives his armored beast to the shores of the eternal river, […]

Also posted in Agriculture, Andres Manuel Lopez Obrador, Central America, Immigration, Jorge Ramos, Mexico

Trump Infested

i’m a big man with a big belly and write large my name on executive order before tweeting democrats are the problem and want illegal immigrants no matter how bad to infest our country and become potential voters

Also posted in Immigration, Mexico

Melania’s Jacket

I’m a model who understands the power of clothes and nudity, and know the latter pays better. Still, I must wear clothes to the border. After thinking about it quite a while, I select a green jacket showing white words in back, “I really don’t care. Do u?” Of course I’m not referring to children […]

Also posted in Central America, Immigration, Melania Trump, Mexico

Trump Tough in Minnesota

I’ve come to Minnesota to get away from this border hassle. Don’t lecture me about kids. I’ve got five and they’re all really great, especially Ivanka. I’m concerned about kids everywhere. That’s my job as most powerful hombre in the world. All along I’ve been worried about kids getting split up from their parents on […]

Also posted in El Salvador, Honduras, Immigration, Ivanka Trump, Melania Trump, Mexico

Jeff Sessions Heads South

No longer will I tolerate renegades calling me a racist divider of families along the southern border of these United States. I’m already astride Traveller, my galloping gray steed, and arriving at what I’m confident is a humane detention facility for those who tried to illegally enter our sacred land. “Mr. Attorney General, thank you […]

Also posted in Central America, El Salvador, Honduras, Immigration, Jeff Sessions, Mexico, Texas

Kim Debates Himself

Three days after his triumphant return from Singapore, Kim Jong Un visits his dentist’s office for cleaning and a checkup. Under the glare of three security agents the dentist lifts a syringe, smiles, and says, “Just a little Novocain.” “Why Novocain for cleaning?” says one of the tough guys. “The Dear Leader usually has some […]

Also posted in Benito Mussolini, Kim Jong-Un, Korea, Libya, Methamphetamine, Muammar Gaddafi, Nuclear Weapons

Sessions on the Mount

I, Jeff Sessions, attorney general of these United States, do not wield God’s name as a saber, I only quote the bible, “Let every soul be subject to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except from God, and the authorities that exist are appointed by God,” and in His behalf and those of […]

Also posted in Bible, Central America, Immigration, Jeff Sessions, Mexico, Religion, Slavery

Trump after Singapore

You’d think everyone would be congratulating me about the most extraordinary diplomatic breakthrough in decades, but some aren’t. They’re complaining I conferred legitimacy on a murderous dictator. In fact, I got off my presidential ass, unlike all my predecessors, and traveled thousands of miles to talk to a guy who has lots of nuclear weapons […]

Also posted in Kim Jong-Un, Korea, Nuclear Weapons, Singapore

Fat Kim

ignore lies forty percent north koreans malnourished they all love my big belly

Also posted in Kim Jong-Un, Korea, Nuclear Weapons

Kim Jong Un in Singapore

This evening as I stroll through beautiful grounds of a Singaporean resort people are cheering and squealing like I’m a rock star. This is certainly a good sign for my meeting tomorrow with President Donald Trump. I know he loves stars and winners. The summit begins as the president and I march to each other […]

Also posted in John Bolton, Kim Jong-Un, Korea, Mike Pompeo, Moon Jae-in, Nuclear Weapons, Singapore

Trump Arrives in Singapore

It’s a great honor to participate in the summit meeting with Kim Jong Un, and I’m proud to be the man who made this happen. I really feel like a statesman now. I’m more mature and modest as a leader responsible for the lives of countless millions of people not only in the United States […]

Also posted in John Bolton, Kim Jong-Un, Korean War, Nuclear Weapons, Singapore

Trump Gets Ready

don’t really need to prepare much for kim jong un just gonna keep massaging my balls

Also posted in Kim Jong-Un, Korea, Nuclear Weapons

Attorney General at the Border

Astride a beautiful large gray horse and wearing an elegant suit gray as Robert E. Lee’s uniform, Jefferson Beauregard Sessions patrols the border, looking for intruders. I pity his prey. Sessions appears warrior enough to slay any foe. In each hand I wave a white paper overhead and shout, “Don’t shoot, sir. I just want […]

Also posted in Central America, El Salvador, Honduras, Immigration, Jeff Sessions, Robert E. Lee

Absolute Trump

robert mueller can’t interrogate me because i have absolute authority over all federal investigators and may fire mueller to prove it

Also posted in Robert Mueller

Kim Yong Chol in New York

In a Chinese airliner I fly to New York where atop a beautiful skyscraper my aide and I are dining with Secretary of State Mike Pompeo and Andrew Kim, America’s purported expert in all matters North Korean and a man whose real name isn’t Andrew Kim. As my nation’s preeminent intelligence and security expert, and […]

Also posted in John Bolton, Jose Abeto Zaide, Kim Jong-Un, Kim Yong Chol, Korea, Mike Pompeo, Nuclear Weapons

What’s a Samantha Bee

from around the nation conservative pundits call to ask why i haven’t denounced samantha bee who’s she the unfunny comedian who c-worded ivanka trump four letters right then that’s what samantha bee is

Also posted in Ivanka Trump, Samantha Bee

Roseanne Barred

donald trump and roseanne barr tweet about race and ethnicity one becomes president other loses tv show

Also posted in Comedians, Racism, Roseanne Barr

Trey Gowdy Clears FBI

i’m hard head of house oversight committee and support trump but gotta tell you fbi planted no spies in his campaign and investigated properly to determine russians tried to help elect trump and if president didn’t know he should act like it

Also posted in FBI, Robert Mueller, Trey Gowdy

Ayatollah Khomeini Debates the Shah of Iran

I’m writing this commentary in French, the most sublime language, from my Parisian penthouse where I’ve been ruminating for almost forty years. I assure you I remain a most formidable leader and lover, and am primed to educate you about what is happening to Iran. Don’t you wish I, instead of radical and incompetent theocrats, […]

Also posted in Ayatollah Khomeini, George Thomas Clark, Iran, Iraq, Israel, Jose Abeto Zaide, King Donald, Mike Pompeo, Nuclear Weapons, Syria

Trump Cancels Kim

kim said he understood our around-his-neck nuclear exercises with south korea and i explained john bolton’s gaddafi-model gaffe applied to kim’s nukes not his head he’s got to settle down so someday we can actually meet

Also posted in John Bolton, Kim Jong-Un, Korea, Libya, Muammar Gaddafi, Nuclear Weapons

Trump Diplomacy B

i’m telling iran stick to nuclear agreement i voided or i’ll attack

Also posted in Iran, Nuclear Weapons

Trump Investigates

i demand dept of justice look into possible fbi/doj surveillance of my trump campaign and find out if crime was ordered by obama administration

Also posted in Barack Obama, FBI, Robert Mueller, Russia

Trump Diplomacy A

i’m going to tell kim jong un denuclearize right away or i’ll attack

Also posted in John Bolton, Kim Jong-Un, Korea, Nuclear Weapons

Trump Animals

i’m talking about ms-13 gang members it’s crazy because of weak laws these people come in fast we get them we send them away we get them again we’re taking them out of the country at a rate that’s never happened before it’s so ridiculous they aren’t people they’re animals

Also posted in Crime, Gangs, Immigration

Nobel Delay

I’d never say it, but almost everyone else is: President Trump’s a lock for the Nobel Peace Prize. Obviously, I agree. None of my timid predecessors could have brought Kim Jong Un running to the peace table. Only my threats of unprecedented death and destruction have made peace possible. I’m not worried Kim threatened to […]

Also posted in Iran, John Bolton, Kim Jong-Un, Korea, Nobel Prize, Nuclear Weapons

John Bolton Advises Trump

(This conversation was recorded by trusted contacts in the National Security Agency) “I alone have made this historical decision,” said Donald Trump. “Please remember, Mr. President, we do need excuses.” He moves behind his desk in the Oval Office and plants himself. “What excuses could we use?” “The same ones I recommended in the National […]

Also posted in Iran, Israel, John Bolton, Nuclear Weapons, Russia, Syria

Trumping Iran

No, wise guy, I’m not sitting on the can but an executive chair at a presidential table in the White House and am appropriately stern but proud as I sign the Presidential Memorandum announcing the United States will violate the Joint Comprehensive Plan of Action in order to prevent Iran, the most terroristic nation on […]

Also posted in Barack Obama, England, France, Germany, Iran, John Bolton, Nuclear Weapons, Russia

Trump Nuclear Strategy

we need more long and intermediate range nukes so what russia will also make more we’ll make more than their more and be on top

Also posted in Nuclear Weapons, Russia, START, Vladimir Putin

Nobel Trump

people ask what i had to with north’s korea’s improved behavior and offer to meet at summit my answer’s simple everything now it’s almost cinch i’ll win nobel peace prize and if i don’t blame kim jong un

Also posted in Kim Jong-Un, Korea, Nuclear Weapons

My NRA

trump enters nra bordello and says elect more republicans to protect sacred gun rights

Also posted in Guns, Murder, NRA

At the Border

kim jong un walked south across the border kim jae-in walked north across the border and both returned south to discuss making korea nuclear-free and they lived quite happily until real negotiations began

Also posted in Kim Jong-Un, Korea, Moon Jae-in, Nuclear Weapons