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Category Archives: Donald Trump

Meet Amy

Come on, now. Be honest. Amy Coney Barrett’s pretty hot, isn’t she? Two years ago I couldn’t tell during the interview because she had some pink eye infection and wore dark glasses and we just didn’t connect and I wanted Brett Kavanaugh then, anyway. Being farsighted, I told her supporters to relax, I’d soon have […]

Also posted in Abortion, Amy Coney Barrett, Brett Kavanaugh, Guns, Insurance, Joe Biden, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Supreme Court

Trust Me

Have I ever lied to you? I’m the most honest man in the world and guarantee new vaccines I’m working on are safe and effective and will soon be available, probably before election day. I’ve just got to keep kicking the asses of lazy scientists and CDC bureaucrats so they stop slowing things down. I’m […]

Also posted in Cars & Driving, Coronavirus, Crime, Immigration, Joe Biden, Poverty

My Justice

though i’d been a perfect president democrats impeached me and now want to again but their lies and threats won’t stop me from nominating my new supreme court justice even though radicals plan to someday pack the court

Also posted in Nancy Pelosi, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Supreme Court

Words of Graham

Hold your voices down. Obviously I’ve reviewed my video from four years ago and know I said it was the “last year of a lame duck president and if Republican candidates Donald Trump or Ted Cruz get to be president they ask the Senate not to vote on a Supreme Court nominee by President Obama. […]

Also posted in Joe Biden, Lindsey Graham, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Supreme Court

Painful Polling

not politically correct to note police killed thirty unarmed black men last year while blacks killed about seven thousand other blacks and many voters are confused why former is more alarming than latter

Also posted in Joe Biden, Murder, Police

Soaring in Michigan

We’re not afraid in Michigan. We’re thrilled to be jammed into this wonderful airplane hangar, and behind me you’re inspired by the beauty and power of Air Force One which you’ll never forget seeing today. You’re not going to ruin this experience by wearing masks. You’ve already forgotten what I told Bob Woodward months ago. […]

Also posted in Coronavirus, Gretchen Whitmer, Michigan

Virus on Tape

I’m the leader. I can’t be jumping all over the place. That’s what I told Bob Woodward months ago during recorded interviews. I knew the coronavirus was more dangerous than first suspected and often transmitted by air. I did a great job fighting it or we’d have two million more deaths. I didn’t want to […]

Also posted in Bob Woodward, Coronavirus

Operation Warp Speed

thank god president trump who had been pretty corona slow is now speed of light in ordering federal government to tell states be prepared to distribute safe and effective vaccine by november first and not to worry date politically motivated

Also posted in Coronavirus

Trump Blasts Biden

As race tightens Sleepy Joe Biden gets so scared he leaves his basement and hurries to Pennsylvania to denounce rioters and criminals in Democrat-controlled cities around nation. Notice he and other Dems didn’t say much at their convention. They sympathize with the bad guys. I always back law and order and worry about patriots like […]

Also posted in Crime, Guns, Joe Biden

Norman Mailer Advocates All-Black Police Forces

Highlights follow from my recent phone conversation with Norman Mailer, twice a Pulitzer Prize winner who passed from this physical earth in 2007. “Damn it, Norman,” I say, “I spent too much time piddling online this morning and lost energy and still hadn’t written anything by early afternoon when I decided to read in bed […]

Also posted in Crime, Hugh Hefner, Joe Biden, New York City, Norman Mailer, Playboy, Police

Trump Accepts Nomination

How about this backdrop? The White House lit up at night, baby. While Joe Biden hides in his basement, I’m addressing you in front of the world’s greatest home, where I’ve lived four years and will reside four more maybe even eight. Thanks to my gorgeous daughter Ivanka for introducing me. Isn’t she fantastic? I’ve […]

Also posted in Abortion, China, Coronavirus, Economics, Iran, Joe Biden, Nuclear Weapons, Taxes

Republicans Open Convention

howdy i’m matt badass gaetz patriotic congressman from florida standing in a room empty as joe biden’s head to warn that democrats want to take your guns empty the prisons lock you in your homes and invite central american gangs to live next door don’t bother calling police in democrat-run cities they’re already being defunded […]

Also posted in Crime, Joe Biden, Matt Gaetz

USPS

it’s a hoax cries trump don’t vote especially to restore funds and services my guy cut from post office by more than hundred votes house of reps including two dozen from his party tells fat donald to shove it

Also posted in Fat Donald, Joe Biden, USPS

Democratic Convention Highlights

bill clinton says you know what trump will do blame bully belittle barack obama says trump had no interest in putting in the work result is a hundred seventy thousand dead millions of jobs lost and our worst impulses released joe biden says i will draw on best of us not the worst i’ll be […]

Also posted in Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, Joe Biden

Postmaster Trump

I’m not going to let Democrats use the United States Postal Service to steal the election. We all know they’re claiming the China Virus is so dangerous that people can’t safely go to the polls. Listen, I already offered to postpone the election until my scientists develop a vaccine, and that won’t be long, but […]

Also posted in Coronavirus, Fat Donald, Joe Biden, United States Postal Service

Trump Denounces Kamala Harris

We all know Joe Biden hasn’t been thinking straight in years but even in his crazy condition I expected him to pick someone better than Kamala Harris as his vice presidential running mate. She’s the nastiest and most liberal of all U.S. Senators. It was disgraceful how she insulted Brett Kavanaugh during his Senate hearing […]

Also posted in Fat Donald, Joe Biden, Kamala Harris

Clever Fellow

don’t you love my nicknames for enemies lyin’ ted little marco cheatin’ obama crazy bernie crooked hillary sleepy joe phony kamala and now I’ve got another great one fat donald

Also posted in Fat Donald, Joe Biden, Kamala Harris

Rushmore Trump

“I really think I belong on Mt. Rushmore, don’t you,” Trump tells me. “I’m ten times the president Ronald Reagan was.” “Most Americans would disagree with that,” I say. “Besides, Reagan isn’t on Mt. Rushmore.” “I’m at least as great as Lincoln, and I’ve done so much more for blacks.” “Again, Mr. President, a majority […]

Also posted in Abraham Lincoln, George Washington, Mt. Rushmore, Ronald Reagan, Theodore Roosevelt, Thomas Jefferson

Defender of Democracy

china virus hitting us hard despite my great efforts we better postpone election until we can safely vote instead of mailing in most fraudulent ballots in history

Also posted in Campaign 2020, Coronavirus, Joe Biden

The Masked Man

More authoritative than ever, President Trump dons the sleek black eye mask of The Lone Ranger and steps behind microphones to announce wearing masks is a good idea after all since the China Virus is going to get worse before it gets better. “Mr. President,” says a reporter masked over nose and mouth, “you’re not […]

Also posted in Barack Obama, Chicago, Guns, Joe Biden, Murder, Portland

Freddy Reviews Daughter’s Book

Certainly I’ve already read my daughter Mary Trump’s book Too Much and Never Enough. And I’m proud it’s the bestselling book in the nation. No matter what Donald says, he knows this deal’s a winner, though not for him. I admire Mary’s years of study in clinical psychology and her careful analysis of my father […]

Also posted in Alcohol, Fred Trump, Mental Health, Psychology, Psychopharmacology

Trump and Fauci in Private

Hooded and handcuffed, Dr. Anthony Fauci is hustled into a dimly lit interior White House room where President Trump dismisses two secret service agents and rips off the little man’s hood, saying, “We’re gonna talk.” “Okay, fine, Mr. President. But how about removing these handcuffs?” “Things are going the wrong way fast.” “I’m thankful you […]

Also posted in Anthony Fauci, Coronavirus, Europe, France, Italy, Korea, Spain

Mask Monitor

a month ago twenty percent wore masks at the market two weeks ago half the people wore masks last night eighty percent a trend that prompts this rhetorical question as infections increase will authorities really open schools soon

Also posted in Coronavirus, Education

Trump Worsens Pandemic

Trump has recently worsened the pandemic by summoning unmasked followers to rallies in Oklahoma, Arizona, and at Mt. Rushmore. These people are his victims yet often say that wearing masks is a “hoax.” Isn’t that ironic? The hoax is the lying fat man who stands next to the beautiful lady on the White House terrace, […]

Also posted in Campaign 2020, Coronavirus, George Thomas Clark Podcast

Afghan Trump

no one told me russians might be putting bounties on our soldiers in afghanistan can’t trust our intel but let me call putin for the truth

Also posted in Afghanistan, Russia, Vladamir Putin

The Trump Virus

people mock me by wearing masks so unnecessary since i’ve got coronavirus under control i’m not worried by reports new cases are highest since april that’s gotta be fake news

Also posted in Coronavirus

Triumph in Tulsa

No need to mention there are a helluva lot of empty seats in the upper deck of the Tulsa arena but I do hint by saying some bad people attacked our town tonight. Or, I’m thinking, maybe some tough Tulsans believe Democrat propaganda this county has the highest number of coronavirus cases in Oklahoma and […]

Also posted in Campaign 2020, Coronavirus, George Washington, Jay Inslee, Jefferson Davis, Joe Biden, Portugal, Robert E. Lee, Seattle, Thomas Jefferson, Tulsa

Trump Assails Bolton and Supreme Court

I achieved a lot for this great nation, winning the election to save us from Hillary Clinton and then appointing two great conservatives to the Supreme Court. We’d have a five to four majority there most of the time but chief justice John Roberts is playing like an Earl Warren liberal and screwing up my […]

Also posted in China, Immigration, Joe Biden, John Bolton, Ukraine, Xi Jinping

Bare Faces

may be coincidence we’re fat and uneducated but we hate wearing masks and don’t shop at stores that require them

Also posted in Coronavirus

What People Think

I’m sick of three months lockup getting worse watching Derek Chauvin drive his knee into the neck of George Floyd till he dies and the nation rumbles. I should get out but where would I go other than the market or pharmacy or on an aimless drive around dreary Bakersfield? People I’ve invited over say […]

Also posted in George Floyd, Martin Luther King, Minneapolis, Murder, Racism

Murder in Minneapolis

Derek Chauvin is a rough hombre. Look at his history. He has almost twenty years as a police officer. Twelve to eighteen times, depending on the source, the Minneapolis Police Department investigates him for using excessive force. He shoots Ira Toles, unarmed and black, in 2008. Three years later he’s placed on leave for the […]

Also posted in George Floyd, Minneapolis, Murder, Racism

Trump Unmasked

i wasn’t making fun of biden and his wife for wearing masks why would i ever do that i just don’t like wearing them especially in public

Also posted in Coronavirus, Joe Biden

Church of Trump

we need prayer i pray five times a day and know we must reopen our churches today and am baffled some worshipers aren’t jumping right in

Also posted in Coronavirus, Religion

Political Lesson

hey biden democracy means more than one candidate the other one’s trump and if some african americans support him they’re still black, despite your dumb ass statement, and others may stay home from polls to spite you

Also posted in Joe Biden

Online Doctor

She needs to see her doctor and for days has been anxious for their meeting tomorrow. Thank goodness. There’s the text confirmation from his office. All she needs to do is reply yes. But this text is highlighted in drab green and states: Due to COVID-19 precautions, we will email you a link tomorrow to […]

Also posted in Coronavirus, Mental Health

Biden Returns to the Spotlight

Hey, remember me? I’m the guy who won a bunch of Democratic primaries and earned the opportunity to run against Donald Trump. I ought to be the most visible person in the country, jetting around and bashing the worst president in our history. Instead, like you, I’m stuck at home, hiding from this damn coronavirus. […]

Also posted in Joe Biden, Sex, Tara Reade

Doctor Gonzo

my big scientific brain just saved the world let’s inject pour inhale disinfectants into your system to kill coronavirus

Also posted in Coronavirus

Retweet

I didn’t write it. I’m just passing it along. Our great Republican candidate for Congress, DeAnna Lorraine, who got two percent of the vote against Nancy Pelosi, tweeted that irritating Anthony Fauci shouldn’t claim I caused loss of lives by not listening to medical experts. In fact, Lorraine noted, Fauci on February twenty-ninth told the […]

Also posted in Anthony Fauci, Coronavirus

Fauci Under Watters

Quit paying so much attention to what Dr. Anthony Fauci says about the coronavirus. Get your information from clever commentator Jesse Watters of fair and balanced Fox News. He on air asks Fauci, could you have done anything differently than a full-scale national shutdown, like letting those forty-five and under work and have everyone wear […]

Also posted in Anthony Fauci, Coronavirus, Fox News

Points by Joe Six Pack

Liberals and other weaklings are destroying our country with this extreme and shortsighted lockdown. We conservatives have got to reestablish order. We do that by keeping in mind and acting on what President Trump and Rush Limbaugh and Fox News commentators and other patriotic geniuses tell us. First, remember that most of these poor people […]

Also posted in Coronavirus, Fox News, France, Italy, Rush Limbaugh, Spain

George Thomas Clark Podcast #4 – Coronavirus Count

Tom comments about persistent efforts on the right to portray the coronavirus as something less than a pandemic getting more dangerous every day. Click here to listen on your favorite digital platform Listen on YouTube

Also posted in Coronavirus, France, George Thomas Clark Podcast, Italy, Rush Limbaugh

Corona Carrier

I fly to Guam and march onto the aircraft carrier USS Theodore Roosevelt and over the radio tell almost five thousand crew members this is Navy Secretary Thomas Modly and I’m tired of your complaining about the coronavirus spreading on board and infecting more than one hundred seventy of you who have a mission and […]

Also posted in aircraft carriers, Coronavirus, Guam, Navy, Nuclear Weapons

Enlightened Governor

I’m jumping on board right quick with other Republican governors and shutting down lots of stuff in my state since I learned some “game changing” information about the coronavirus. “We didn’t know until the last twenty-four hours” that this ungodly virus “is now transmitting before people see signs.” Liberals are saying they knew all along. […]

Also posted in Brian Kemp, Coronavirus, Georgia, Stacey Abrams

Question for China

is it true crematoriums in wuhan have been much more active recently

Also posted in China, Coronavirus, Wuhan, Xi Jinping

Solemn Trump

okay this isn’t a hoax stay home easter and all of april and pray a quarter million of us don’t die

Also posted in Coronavirus

Letter to Jeff Bezos

Dear Jeff, I hope this letter finds you in good health, and want to tell you I’ve been an avid buyer of Amazon literary products for many years. However, despite my love of the Kindle reader, which stores hundreds of electronic books and permits instant adjustment of lighting and type size and the spontaneous purchase […]

Also posted in Amazon.com, Billionaires, Coronavirus, Jeff Bezos, Kindle

I Surrender

I’d like to apologize to President Trump though I realize he’s too great and busy to notice or care what people like me think. I’m now in the minority. The majority of Americans, according to recent polls, believe the president is doing a fine job managing the coronavirus pandemic. I guess the majority is impressed […]

Also posted in Coronavirus

Asking China

how many infections and deaths do you really have

Also posted in China, Coronavirus

Easter Sunday

pack those churches long as trump and clan in middle of congregation

Also posted in Coronavirus

Trump to the Rescue

Come on. Admit it. You’re happy Dr. Anthony Fauci, the celebrity expert about pandemics, isn’t on stage with me today. He’s a little guy, just a squirt, and I think people are getting irritated he always talks about medicine and ignores human pain caused by the shutdown that’s starting to ruin my great economy. Fauci […]

Also posted in Anthony Fauci, Coronavirus, Fox News

What It Is

watching people die italian doctors warn it isn’t the flu it’s like chronic pneumonia coming your way

Also posted in Coronavirus, Italy

Cruising with Joe Six Pack

“I don’t get it,” I tell a waitress. “If it’s safe to go into a restaurant and pick up food, why can’t I sit here and chat a while.” “You should be ashamed,” she says. “Quarantining is our only tool to shut down the coronavirus. If we let customers sit around here, instead of going […]

Also posted in Anthony Fauci, Coronavirus, Joe Six Pack

Spanish Influenza Review

As you grumble quarantined in carpeted homes equipped with flat screens and computers, and wait in lines outside markets to learn there’s no more toilet paper or hand sanitizer, remember a far deadlier pandemic. Good morning Spanish influenza says entering healthy young adult hearts pumping lungs fatally full of fluid by that evening or next. […]

Also posted in Coronavirus, Influenza

Coronavirus Count

month ago south korea had four hundred cases now has nine thousand month ago iran had six deaths now has sixteen hundred last week Italy had a couple thousand deaths now has five thousand

Also posted in Coronavirus, Influenza, Iran, Italy, Korea

Bernie Announces

Don’t try to talk to me unless you’re wearing a surgical mask. I wouldn’t hear you then and don’t want to now. I don’t care I lost Florida by forty points and also got hosed in Illinois and Arizona and now trail Joe Biden by three hundred delegates. That’s irrelevant. What do you mean what […]

Also posted in Bernie Sanders, Coronavirus, Economics, Employment, Joe Biden

Pandemic Irritates Joe Six Pack

I still think liberals may be scheming with the Chinese to blame the coronavirus on President Trump but since he seems to be taking it pretty serious now I guess I better try to do the same. But I’m only going so far. No way am I staying home when a kickass movie’s playing or […]

Also posted in China, Coronavirus, Joe Six Pack

The Coronavirus, Campaign 2020 – Tom & Jesse Podcast #5

In our fifth podcast, Jesse Portillo and I discuss the latest developments in the coronavirus, our impressions of Cuba – twenty years apart – Joe Biden’s electoral surge in the Democratic presidential primary, and Bernie Sanders’ next moves. Click here to listen

Also posted in Bernie Sanders, Coronavirus, Cuba, George Thomas Clark, Joe Biden

Trump Attacks Coronavirus

Stated and unstated highlights from President Trump’s solemn address to the nation. I don’t remember saying the coronavirus would soon be down to two cases or maybe one in the United States. That’s just natural optimism based on my having already marshalled “the full power of the federal government and the private sector to protect […]

Also posted in Barack Obama, China, Coronavirus, Europe, Korea

Bernie’s Last Stand

Look how the political lackeys are marching to the drumbeat. Kamala Harris says, Joe Biden, it was very hurtful when you opposed busing because I was a little black girl who took buses to better schools but considering the alternatives I’ve decided to back you for president of the United States. And Cory Booker runs […]

Also posted in Amy Klobuchar, Bernie Sanders, Beto O'Rourke, Cory Booker, Elizabeth Warren, Joe Biden, Kamala Harris, Michael Bloomberg

Big Gun Congressman

Blowhard Congressman Ken Buck removes MR-15 from Capitol wall, assumes battle position, and challenges Joe Biden to come and take it. To that one responds, “Okay, tough guy, when the law changes and assault weapons are illegal, either relinquish yours or we’ll take it from you. And you won’t fire a shot…” Bad Ass Rep. […]

Also posted in Guns, Joe Biden, NRA

Super Tuesday – Tom & Jesse Podcast #4

Super Tuesday revealed a revived Joe Biden who surges into the lead in the presidential primary. Tom and Jesse analyze the results and discuss psychological dynamics between current as well as former candidates. Super Tuesday – Tom & Jesse Podcast $4

Also posted in Amy Klobuchar, Bernie Sanders, Campaign 2020, Joe Biden, Michael Bloomberg, Pete Buttigieg

Super Tuesday at Bernie’s

Late Monday morning I get an email titled “Anybody but Bernie Sanders” that tautly announces, “The Political Establishment has made their choice… That is fine. We always knew it. You’ve always known it. Now it just happens to be clear for everyone to see.” I have no recorded evidence but believe, based on observation, that […]

Also posted in Amy Klobuchar, Bernie Sanders, Joe Biden, Pete Buttigieg

Doctor Pence

I’d like to thank the greatest man on earth, President Donald Trump, for putting me in charge of the battle against the coronavirus. He picked the right guy. Before becoming vice president, as governor of Indiana, I stamped out an HIV epidemic by authorizing needle exchanges in Scott County. I hadn’t wanted to permit that […]

Also posted in Coronavirus, Mike Pence

The New Bernie Sanders

Bernie’s in South Carolina trouble. Good old boys and girls down here are worried as hell he’s not only Jewish he’s a communist. And in this debate his Democratic primary adversaries are plenty heated up, too, lashing from all sides as locals cheer. Peach-fuzz Pete Buttigieg says, “It’s time to stop acting like the presidency […]

Also posted in Apartheid, Bernie Sanders, Joe Biden, Lindsey Graham, Marijuana, Pete Buttigieg, South Carolina, Strom Thurmond

Tom & Jesse Podcast #3 – Campaign 2020, Coronavirus

“Tom and Jesse” Podcast #3 focuses on the encroaching Coronavirus and the 2020 Presidential campaign. Donald Trump recently visited Bakersfield and so did Bernie Sanders. Clark attended the Sanders speech and comments on the event. Predictions for the South Carolina primary and Super Tuesday are also offered. Click Here for Broadcast on Youtube

Also posted in Bernie Sanders, Jesse Portillo, Tom & Jesse Podcast

Bernie in Bakersfield

No, I better not go. I think I’m too busy. But busy doing what? I’ve been writing about Donald Trump for several years and working to finish my second book about the blowhard from Queens. I can’t sit at my computer when Bernie Sanders is just a few miles away and soon to speak. I […]

Also posted in Bernie Sanders, Cars & Driving, Climate Change, Environment, Michael Bloomberg, Oil

Greeting Michael Bloomberg

I’m richer, smarter, and tougher than these low-level Democrats and have spent four hundred million dollars to advertise my success while giving speeches and practicing for my first debate I know I’ll win right here on this stage in Las Vegas. “I’d like to talk about who we’re running against: a billionaire who calls women […]

Also posted in Amy Klobuchar, Bernie Sanders, Elizabeth Warren, Joe Biden, Michael Bloomberg, Pete Buttigieg

What If Trump Won’t Leave

I’m amazed and becoming a little worried several people in recent months have asked me, “General Jones, what would the military do if Donald Trump loses the election in November but claims fraud, or something else, and refuses to leave the White House?” “I’ve been a soldier since entering West Point forty years ago,” I […]

Also posted in Civil War - American, Franklin Roosevelt, George Washington, Revolutionary War, Ulysses S. Grant, World War II

Here Comes Melania

Oh boy. This is going to be great. I’ve always wanted to meet her but frankly thought I’d never have a chance. Only rich and brilliant winners like Donald J. Trump get to be with women as pretty as Melania. That injustice changed just minutes ago with the arrival of the best text message I’ve […]

Also posted in Donald Trump Jr., Kevin McCarthy, Melania Trump

Tom & Jesse Podcast #2 – Campaign 2020, Kobe Bryant

Tom and Jesse Podcast #2 – In today’s podcast we talk about the presidential primary, Donald’s Trump’s upcoming visit to Bakersfield, Melania’s emergence as a fundraiser, the coronavirus, and we remember Kobe Bryant. CLICK HERE FOR PODCAST

Also posted in Amy Klobuchar, Barack Obama, Bernie Sanders, Joe Biden, Kobe Bryant, Melania Trump, Pete Buttigieg, South Carolina, Tom & Jesse Podcast

Trump Conquers New Hampshire

I’m getting ninety percent of the vote in our New Hampshire primary while the Democrats keep struggling to decide which bozo they want. Looks like old Bernie Sanders has about a quarter of the vote, about a point more than little Pete Buttigieg, who should grow up before he tries to tangle with me, and […]

Also posted in Amy Klobuchar, Barack Obama, Bernie Sanders, Michael Cohen, Paul Manafort, Pete Buttigieg, Roger Stones

Tom & Jesse Podcast #1 – Campaign 2020, Super Bowl Halftime

This morning it was a delight to record “Tom & Jesse Podcast #1” during which we discuss the recent political surge of Donald Trump, the bumbling Democrats and the seemingly weak Democrat presidential candidates, the murder of prominent California car dealer Jose Arredondo in Mexico, and the dynamite halftime performance of Shakira and Jennifer Lopez. […]

Also posted in Bernie Sanders, Crime, Jennifer Lopez, Jesse Portillo, Jose Arrendondo, Mexico, Murder, Shakira

Trump Rips Pelosi

Nancy Pelosi is a terrible person who hates our country. That’s probably why I didn’t shake her sticky hand before my State of the Union speech but maybe I just didn’t see her. Either way, she didn’t deserve my attention. Remember, last year she tried to keep me from delivering my annual address to the […]

Also posted in Barack Obama, Bernie Sanders, Elizabeth Warren, Nancy Pelosi, Pete Buttigieg

A Perfect Union

i’m creating jobs and building walls and arresting criminal aliens and killing terrorists to get more votes so don’t deny i’m going to be innocent tomorrow and win in november

Also posted in Barack Obama, Nancy Pelosi, Ukraine

Trump News

in my executive newsletter i explain 0 + 0 = 0 zero crimes zero wrongdoing zero bipartisan support dishonest dems threaten constitution

Also posted in Ukraine

Fake Trial

this is a trial ain’t it so where are the witnesses probably gagged by mcconnell’s boxer shorts

Also posted in Mitch McConnell, Ukraine

Trump Denounces Bolton

John Bolton’s a warmonger who couldn’t have gotten any job that required Senate confirmation so he begged me to make him national security adviser. People I trust convinced me to bring Bolton in to scare Iran and North Korea but he actually wanted to attack them and plenty of others and would’ve started World War […]

Also posted in Iran, John Bolton, Korea, Ukraine

Holiday Guest

A short man in suit and tie twice taps the frame of the doorway to the Oval Office. “Mr. President, may I please have a word with you?” “Dr. King, I’m always glad to see you but you really should make an appointment.” “I thought I had one every year on this holiday.” Trump stands […]

Also posted in Martin Luther King, Ukraine

Trump Strikes Iran

From the start I’ve said the Iran nuclear deal was the worst in history especially in the hands of terrorists seeking weapons of mass destruction. I can’t believe Obama gave them hundreds of billions. Yeah, it was their money we held but they got a windfall they used against their neighbors and us. I had […]

Also posted in Iran, Iraq

Memo from Strategist

Quit handwringing and moralizing. If Democrats are to win in 2020 they must find a candidate who’s more appealing than Trump. That may sound easy but who would that be? Which Dem would you bet your house on? I’ve been looking but don’t see anyone who can win. Politics is show business, and Donald Trump […]

Also posted in Campaign 2020, Iran, Joe Biden, Kim Jong-Un, Korea, Nuclear Weapons

Impeached

I know what the deceitful Democrats are going to do and so do you and that’s why I’m writing to Nancy Pelosi this whole impeachment is “an unprecedented and unconstitutional abuse.” I’m not even being accused of committing any crimes or misdemeanors, nothing. That’s because I’ve never done anything wrong. It’s Pelosi and the Democrats […]

Also posted in Impeachment, Joe Biden, Nancy Pelosi, Russia, Ukraine

Daniella Stella for Congress

Like President Trump I’m a truth-telling patriot appalled by Rep. Ilhan Omar, the Somali traitor who I must defeat next November at the Minnesota ballot box. I shouldn’t be an unknown trying to beat a darling of the left. Omar shouldn’t even be in office. That’s why I tweeted, “If it is proven Omar passed […]

Also posted in Ilhan Omar, Twitter

Pallid Peewees

Born in New Hampshire and raised in Iowa I’m proud as hell the fine folks of my tiny states, second and fourth whitest in America, have such great influence at the start of presidential primaries. We’ve only got about one point three million citizens in the Granite State but ninety percent are the right color […]

Also posted in Campaign 2020, Iowa, New Hampshire, Population

Joe Six Pack Says

I feel so sorry for President Trump having to listen to all these witnesses lying about Ukraine. Who the hell are Alexander Vindman, Gordon Sondland, and Fiona Hill? They’re nobodies in the spotlight only because they’re attacking the president for making sure Ukraine quits interfering in our elections like it did in 2016. Barack Obama […]

Also posted in Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Joe Biden, Joe Six Pack, Ukraine

Donald Duck Diplomats

Don’t turn on your TV. These hearings are a bore. I don’t know why I’m even watching. Can you believe these bums the Democrats are using to smear me? Neither William Taylor nor George Kent, high-ranking but low-IQ diplomats in Ukraine, even talked to me directly about my perfect conversation with President Zelensky. And that […]

Also posted in Somalia, Ukraine

Baghdadi at the Movies

This is really exciting, like being at a movie I’m directing. I’d rather be on site close to the action, exchanging gunfire, but my generals insist I’ve got to watch from here as our several helicopters fly in low and fast before landing at a secret location in northwest Syria. About sixty elite soldiers jump […]

Also posted in Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, Iraq, ISIS, Kurds, Russia, Syria, Turkey

Vigilantes

I’m being lynched by a slobbering gang of Democrats who still won’t accept I won a landslide to become commander in chief of the United States and most of the civilized world. Every day my domestic enemies meet in secret and prepare to release more lies about me. It’s like fighting a ghost. Okay, I’m […]

Also posted in Russia, Ukraine

Tulsi Counters Hillary

Hillary Clinton says she should’ve won presidency in 2016 but lost so close races in Pennsylvania, Michigan, and Wisconsin because communist Jill Stein siphoned off critical votes. Now, Hillary hears Russians are programming computers to boost another dictator-loving witch, Tulsi Gabbard. Combat-ready Tulsi responds with eloquence that must be quoted, “You, the queen of warmongers, […]

Also posted in Hillary Clinton, Jill Stein, Tulsi Gabbard

Trump Dumps on Dems

Nothing makes me happier than watching Democrats debate each other in front of Americans who undoubtedly think the candidates are incompetent. You know there’s NO WAY any of them can beat me and they know it too. That’s why they’re pushing for the illegal and absurd impeachment of an extraordinarily successful president. That won’t work. […]

Also posted in Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Bernie Sanders, Elizabeth Warren, Ilhan Omar, Joe Biden, Syria, Turkey, Volodymyr Zelensky

My Kurds

Democrats are going to lie and complain even when I keep my campaign promise to avoid endless foreign wars especially in the Middle East. I’m not afraid to strike the Iranians for blowing up Saudi oil. I’m just being realistic they could do it again. Now even Republicans are complaining I moved our troops out […]

Also posted in Bashar al-Assad, Iran, Kurds, NATO, Saudi Arabia, Syria, Turkey

Ukrainian Embrace

(We recently learned that three months ago President Donald Trump called Volodymyr Zelensky, president-elect of Ukraine. Highlights of their conversation follow.) “Congratulations on your great victory,” Trump tells him. “It’s a fantastic achievement the way you came from behind and won easily.” “We worked very hard and are going to drain our swamp. You’ve been […]

Also posted in Russia, Ukraine, Volodymyr Zelensky

Why Saudi Oil was Attacked

You want to know who is responsible for the drone strikes that blasted the world’s largest oil distribution facility and temporarily knocked out half of Saudi Arabia’s production. Let’s follow the trail. China, Russia, the United States, and Europeans allies bargained arduously with Iran and in 2015 the nations signed the Joint Comprehensive Plan of […]

Also posted in Iran, Iraq, Israel, Nuclear Weapons, Oil, Yemen

Land of Netanyahu

I don’t care if I lose the election. It doesn’t matter if my traitorous enemies frame me for corruption. I care only for Israel. I could have retired years ago. I’m running again only because I’ve been prime minister ten straight glorious years during which Israel has grown and gotten stronger in order to survive […]

Also posted in Benjamin Netanyahu, Israel, Palestine

Bolton Out

Late on a late summer evening at the White House, Donald Trump and John Bolton are speaking unpleasantly as they walk toward each other and by the time they’re nose to nose they’re almost shouting. “I’m the president.” “Yes, and I’m the national security adviser with decades of experience in foreign policy, and I’m telling […]

Also posted in Afghanistan, Fox News, Iran, John Bolton, Kim Jong-Un, Korea, Nuclear Weapons, Taliban

Trump Twists Netanyahu

In their private communications rooms in Washington, D.C. and Jerusalem, Donald Trump and Benjamin Netanyahu stand before movie screens and gaze at each other before breaking into smiles. “Great to see you, Mr. President. I just wish I could shake your hand.” “We’ll soon be shaking hands again, Bibi, but right now I have a […]

Also posted in Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Benjamin Netanyahu, Ilhan Omar, Israel, Middle East, Palestine, Rashida Tlaib

Love in Dayton and El Paso

Donald Trump, clad in a red bathrobe, tiptoes down the long hall of the White House private quarters and knocks on a closed door he tries to open. It’s locked. “Melania, hurry up, almost time to go,” he says, placing his lips to the door. “I’m not going, Donald.” “You have to.” “You do. I […]

Also posted in Barack Obama, Dayton, El Paso, Fox News, Guns, Immigration, Melania Trump, Missiles, Murder, Racism

Trump Irritated by Democrat Debate

What a ridiculous debate, just like the one the night before. The Democrats don’t have anyone with remotely my star power. But that’s not their biggest problem. With their crazy policies, they couldn’t beat me if they nominated George Washington. Right away the candidates started arguing about who’d be better at spending trillions of dollars […]

Also posted in Campaign 2020, Environment, Julian Castro, Kamala Harris, Nuclear Weapons, Tulsi Gabbard

Joe Six Pack Demands Better Security After Mass Killings

I know you’re not surprised what the libtards have been shouting all week since the first of four mass shootings: ban assault rifles. That’s the last thing an American should ask for, and I’m confident most citizens understand what we really need is to arm ourselves better and always be ready to kill the bad […]

Also posted in Dayton, El Paso, Guns, Joe Six Pack, Mental Health, Murder, NRA

Trump Visits Elijah Cummings

Donald Trump squeezes his Oval Office phone and calls secret service agents, ordering them to ready several black beasts for an executive motorcade to nearby Baltimore. After entering the city limits they begin passing old buildings marred by broken or boarded windows and piles of trash outside. “Look how they live,” says Trump. “Disgusting. Get […]

Also posted in Baltimore, Crime, El Salvador, Elijah Cummings, Guatemala, Honduras, Immigration, Murder, Poverty, Racism

Daughter Debates Dad

Our flat screen shows a wide stage containing ten eager presidential candidates. “Daddy, what’s a Hickenlooper?” asks my daughter. “That’s a former governor of Colorado,” I say. “What’s he doing in California?” “They’re in Detroit for a debate.” “Why?” “They’re trying to become president of the United States.” “Who’s going to win?” Jabbing my index […]

Also posted in Bernie Sanders, Campaign 2020, Elizabeth Warren, Families, Joe Biden