Syria

One State or Two

February 19, 2017

I knew I was going to be a hell of a president but, frankly, I underestimated myself. I’ve got a great feel for diplomacy and international relations. Did you see me at the news conference last week with Prime Minister Abe after the North Koreans had test fired another ballistic missile? I coolly let the…

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Turkey to ISIS

November 28, 2015

miles of isis tanker trucks back and forth syria to turkey

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Saudis Defend Refugee Policies

September 18, 2015

We in the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia are most chagrined by quite ignorant insults about our unwillingness to accept refugees from imploding Syria. It’s unconscionable, say arrogant Westerners, that the Saudis can’t welcome some of their Arab brothers and sisters who’ve been displaced by an enduring civil war; these refugees share the same language and…

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Putin on Syrian Gas

September 14, 2013

Let’s be honest. I’m shrewdest politician in world. I maneuver into many terms as president, deftly gag dissenters, jail Pussy Riot female rockers who belittle Christ, and now I write columns for New York Times. If life weren’t so good in Russia I’d move to Big Apple and comment full-time. I have special insight into…

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Kerry Challenges Assad

August 28, 2013

We have unassailable evidence Bashar al-Assad gassed Syrian civilians in vile attempt to retain stranglehold on country. What we don’t have is war-winning military option. Americans don’t want to fight in Syria and neither do allies. It’s therefore incumbent on me, as decorated and oft-wounded warrior, to stand up and challenge Assad to hand-to-hand combat.…

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Assad Gas Company

August 23, 2013

Obama has red line between eyes that means I can use gas whenever. I don’t want to every day, only when I need to. Sometimes I need to gas children and other sleeping civilians who understand I must keep power. Only I am qualified to lead. Before I took over, only Father was fit. Syria…

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Assad Hangs

February 23, 2013

I’m not dork or mass murderer. I’m Syrian President for Life and with iron fist striking foreign terrorists agitating my people. This I decree during fiery speeches forcing everyone to understand father and I’ve ruled Syria forty years, lot less than forever enemies will have to wait for me to leave. Twenty million Syrians know…

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Syrian Military Headquarters Attacked

September 28, 2012

Please be responsible citizens of the world and ignore terrorists’ claims they killed about twenty men at our national military headquarters in downtown Damascus. I assure you none of my officers and soldiers died. Perhaps a few suffered minor injuries. The building itself did sustain some blasts and burns and had to be evacuated. That…

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Vladimir Putin Suppresses Pussy Riot

August 18, 2012

My Gods are no longer Lenin and Stalin and beautiful communist colossus crumbling during greatest geopolitical disaster of Twentieth Century. Higher power now is Russian Orthodox Church which supports me and ongoing recovery of nation I have rebuilt and led for many years and, God willing, will lead many more. It has thus been sacred…

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Conviction of Bashar al-Assad

June 5, 2012

i keep saying terrorists incited and abetted by foreigners are attacking our beloved syrian homeland and have convinced myself and hope you as well

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Bashar al-Assad Can’t Stop

April 11, 2012

can’t stop shooting terrorists still firing can’t retreat or they’ll move in can’t have ceasefire till sure terrorists controlled by monitors from right countries

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Bashar al-Assad’s Minefield

March 13, 2012

why mine borders blocking those who want to flee imprisoned in syria they’ll slit your gut

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Assad Explains Siege of Homs

March 8, 2012

I’ve been reading international reports. People are saying I’ve sequestered myself with sycophants and yes men. They should be quiet and listen to the truth. I admit my opposition’s a bit broader than initially perceived. Quite a few terrorist-infected Syrians don’t understand the Assad dynasty must endure. To protect the country I’ve been forced to…

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Bashar al-Assad Gets Tougher

January 12, 2012

i am not dork or mass murderer i’m president for life of syria and prepared to strike with iron fist those foreign terrorists who’ve been agitating my people this i decreed during fiery two hour speech forcing everyone to understand my father and i’ve ruled syria forty years lot less than forever they’ll have to…

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Awaiting First Lady of Syria

December 31, 2011

wife bashar al-assad often denounces israel when will she denounce husband

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Explosions and Elections in the Middle East

March 6, 2005

Several days ago Iraqi insurgents in Hilla detonated a massive car bomb scattering body parts and clothes onto a street puddled with blood.  About one hundred twenty people died and many more were wounded.  Most of the victims – typically – were unarmed, unprepared, and lightly guarded recruits for the army and police.  They were…

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