Kevin Durant

LeBron Speaks Up

May 11, 2019

I really hesitate to step forward. I’m not the meddler many say. I simply lobby for what’s best for my team. I complimented Luke Walton for good coaching late this season. I tried to protect him. Ignore those who say I’d already ordered my lieutenants to undercut him. Magic Johnson wanted him out anyway. Luke…

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LeBron James Assesses the Lakers

October 22, 2018

(Correspondent LeBron James files the first Lakers dispatch of the 2018-2019 season.) Talk to analytical scientists all you want. I’ll instead offer meat and potatoes to clarify why I’m concerned about my Lakers after the first two games this season. We hit a higher field goal percentage and modestly more baskets than either the Portland…

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LeBron’s European Vacation

July 9, 2018

Despite trying to relax in and around a coastal castle magically backed by snowy Alpine peaks, LeBron James is tense during his European vacation. Every time he surfs he falls right off and is swallowed by massive waves. Efforts to hang glide invariably snap the cord connected to the speedboat and LeBron’s again deposited in…

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LeBron Updates Free Agency

July 1, 2018

Please ignore reports I screamed like an unanesthetized dental patient upon learning that stellar forward Paul George, presumed to be bound for the glorious Los Angeles Lakers, instead signed to stay a few years on the arid plain of Oklahoma City. I confess I did shout in pain but the source was physical rather than…

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LeBron and Gilbert at the Summit

June 10, 2018

About four o’clock this dark morning five armored SUVs enter an Akron estate, a man in the first vehicle using an electronic device to open the wrought iron gate, and speed to the entrance of a mansion boasting more than thirty thousand square feet. At least ten camouflaged commandos emerge from somewhere and aim automatic…

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LeBron Hires Hypnotist

June 8, 2018

Siefried, the world’s preeminent hypnotist, proudly steps into the Cavaliers locker room after game three and says, “Where is LeBron? I’ve come to accept his congratulations.” “I’m right here, you charlatan,” says the star, stepping close and looking down. “I beg your pardon. Can you not count?” “I count fine. We just lost by eight…

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LeBron Declares: Referees Robbed Us

June 2, 2018

Following game one of the NBA finals, it’s unfortunate fans can’t celebrate my masterful fifty-one points to lead the Cleveland Cavaliers to an upset over the formidable Golden State Warriors. Instead, we’re talking about obtuse referees who turned a great game into a farce. Late in the fourth quarter, I cleanly stripped the ball from…

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LeBron Previews NBA Finals

May 30, 2018

I’m thankful to be drowsy en route to dreamland where I can forget my body’s thirty-three-years old and tired from playing more minutes than anyone in the league and twice carrying us to playoff victories in game seven, and that almost everyone’s saying the Warriors are too good no matter what LeBron does, they’ve got…

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LeBron’s Championship Dreams

January 28, 2018

Am I dreaming? I hope so and we aren’t really getting bushwhacked by Oklahoma City and surrendering forty-three points in the first quarter to trail by nineteen. Despite shooting well we’re down sixteen at halftime and twenty after three quarters and let the gathering Thunder hit fifty-eight percent while they hang a hundred forty-eight on…

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“Basketball and Football” is Published

August 20, 2017

In a rousing trip through the worlds of Basketball and Football, George Thomas Clark explores the professional basketball league in Mexico, the Herculean talents of Wilt Chamberlain, the difficulties and humor of attempting to play basketball in middle age, and observes that coaching at Caltech can be more painful than studying all night for a…

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Alcohol v. Pot

March 27, 2014

I was a happy tourist at the pinnacle of Washington’s Monument when I became woozy and awakened an indeterminate time later in a dungeon. God, kidnapped by terrorists, I thought but reconsidered when several white males, attired in green surgical gowns, marched in and one said, “Experimentation will begin when the chief returns.” “Who’s he…

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